David Herz, Coach

Photo by: Ihor Malytskyi

This is an excerpt from my guide, Manning Up: The Guide to Get You Back in the Relationship Game.

First, you will not forget your ex, but until you complete your relationship with her, it is likely to haunt you. (I wrote this originally for guys; if you're not a guy, just switch the pronouns: it should work just as well.)

So here's what I suggest:

1. Thank Her: Sit down and write a letter to her thanking her for every little thing she did with and for you. Acknowledge her for how she made you feel, and for who she was for you.
2. Forgive Her: Make a list for yourself of every way you think you have been slighted by her. Consider that any and all of these things might have come from a place that had nothing to do with you. Maybe she slept with someone else because of her own insecurity, not something that had anything to do with you. Write down at least one reason for each of those things that would make it not about you.
3. Forgive Yourself: You are human. You make mistakes. You screw things up. You might have just killed the best thing you ever had, and just now come to realize it. But as long as you hang on to this, you will not have any chance to see the next great thing, the one that could be ten times better than the best you've ever had. As long as you entertain any conversation that you are a screw up, you will not give yourself permission to be fully in the next relationship. That's a shame, because you deserve a great relationship. So write down every way you were a dick (excuse my language), maybe note where that came from, forgive yourself, and make a commitment not to do that again.
4. Acknowledge Yourself Give yourself credit for everything you were and brought to the relationship. You are great. Notice all the things you did to build the relationship you had. And thank yourself for that. And note that even if your ex didn't get it or appreciate it, you made a difference. And get that that passion was not wasted. Maybe misdirected, but not wasted. Don't let that go. It's part of what makes you the amazing person you are.
5. Learn from Her: Take on that maybe you did have something to do with every thing that happened. I know this sounds the opposite of a previous point; it's not. It's not that anything was wrong or your fault; it's that if you take on that you are cause in the matter, you actually can choose to come from somewhere else. Maybe try “She slept with someone else because she wasn't feeling loved by me. Where could I bring love into the next relationship so that doesn't happen again?”
6. Get that the Next one is NOT YOUR EX: We are human. We look for patterns. We get burned. We say “Aha, I'm not going to let that happen again.” The problem is we start looking for “that.” When we look, we find it. This will kill your love life. I'm not saying be stupid. But don't be suspicious for no reason. That would just be letting some past bad experience haunt you now. Don't let it.
7. Get that the next one is Different: Even if she's your ex's identical twin, she reacts and thinks and loves and hurts diffently. You can not expect to know anything about her because you know anything about humanity, or women, or even her school or family. Let her suprise you.

As a bonus opportunity, you could actually call your ex and ask her if there is any advice she has for you. Thank her for all the stuff in number 1 above. Ask forgiveness, especially if you think it was all her fault. Ask her please to share with you everything that plugged her in or turned her off. There's probably a ton of stuff you just didn't notice.

Only do this if you can avoid reacting or getting angry. You want to learn here so you can be better in the future. Then finally ask her, “What's the one piece of advice, that if I got it, you think would make the biggest difference for me in my next relationship?” and listen like your love life depends on it.

Then thank her and move along. This should be enough to get you complete. If it's not, you've probably got other conversations about relationships not distinguished. If that's the case, then write down everything you say, or even hear, about relationships. Then look at each item and ask yourself if it's true. You'll notice that there are a lot of conversations in the background that could be getting in the way. But the neat thing is, the minute you notice them, you can let them be, and not let them have power over you. You can choose to come from some place else instead.

And once you've got that behind you, come follow me on Facebook, where I share a regular word of encouragement, sprinkled with some questions for a better date.

Imagine this. You buy a car for $2000. You spend a little money and fix it up. You name it even. 'Ben,' it's a manly car. A year later, right after you replace the alternator for $300, it gets crushed by a semi.

Vinnie's towing service shows up. You casually say "But I loved Ben. That's its name." Vinnie says to you, "You know it was falling apart anyway. But for 25 grand, we can fix 'Ben' up for you. 2003 Ford Focus, good car. Sport package. Nice. That's a really pretty red."

You call your best friend, "Should I fix Ben?" There's a deafening silence on the other end of the line. "Really, it had such nice seats, leather, heated, and I drove it to California, and back."

And your friend answers, "And you had it in the shop six times, and it just failed inspection, and you could literally buy ten of them for $25,000."

"But Ben was the ZTS, in candy apple red, custom paint." We can all (I hope) see the insanity in this, until we change Ben from a car to a person.

I had a woman call me last week. Her Ben has a nice family. They liked to eat the same things. At one point in time, he felt really good. Now, it's been a little more than a year. Ben's become abusive. He ridicules her, says he can find another, suggests he'll always stay young because he is well-used, and even comments that he has violent tendencies. Their dates are dollar coffees, and weekends at his house. On one weekend, this woman was so afraid of physical abuse, she locked herself in a bedroom, and then escaped the house when her Ben went to take a shower. He won't kiss her. He lies. He makes fun of her. But now and then, he hints that he could marry her. If only she would share with him where she lives, then he could trust her.

Her excuse, "But I fell in love with him." Well I call bullshit on this. I am not saying he doesn't have a good side, but she doesn't love what this has turned into. She loves an image of a man that he has proven himself not to be. But since she's got a few grand in and some nice moments to reflect on, she somehow holds on to the idea that there might be something to salvage here. There might be, but at what cost.

At some point in time, a person's just got to get that putting any more into a dysfunctional relationship is just a really bad investment. Her experience right now is not one of being loved or celebrated. It's worry, and ridicule, and sometimes fear. I suggested to her that if we turned the timeline around, she wouldn't say she loved him. If she saw the ugly first, and then the nice, there would be no question. So it's time to take stock.

She was really taken in by a certain face he displayed. She calls this "fell in love." She's now discovered it's only part of the picture. The whole picture isn't that pretty. Seeing it for the first time today, she never would buy it. That being the case, the only healthy course is to step out, no matter what the good points may have been. And as she moves forward to set notice the signs that she overlooked here.

She can do this. We all can, but it takes a shift in how we look at things. "I fell in love" means nothing if there isn't love or respect present. And if there isn't, maybe it's best to say "I fell in love with something about him. I liked that. But it's not enough, and it isn't worth another minute of my life to try to turn this toad into a prince."