David Herz, Coach

I wonder what goes through people's heads as they risk life and limb to join frenzied mobs to be one of the lucky ones to grab a deal, as they fight and fret so that they may stand on line and possibly go into further debt.

I suppose bragging rights may play a part. “You should see the crowds I had to brave to get my kid the new XYZ gaming console.” “Look at this bruise I got when I had to fight over the last umpteen inch TV in the store.”

And I should not dismiss basic economics. If I can save fifty dollars on a product I actually need, and I make only $15 an hour, and it only costs me two extra hours and five bucks in gas, I've saved $15. And I've got some bragging rights in the bargain.

But the cost is far higher than any savings. The average household credit card debt is $15,675, which leaves the average consumer paying $2600 a year in credit card debt.

Let's say you spend just $500 on your holiday shopping. If you are only paying 15% on your card, you're paying an extra $75 a year to carry that debt, or five working hours.

Taking the $2600 average payment in the US, even if you earn $26 an hour. You're still looking at a 100 hours of work a year to carry your debt, 67 hours of time and a half work, 50 of double time.

But you also get a lot of stress, and worry, and maybe a big TV, that you can stress and worry in front of.

There are better things to do with your time, especially if you want a relationship.

Instead of spending two hours to get some appliance you'll be replacing in a few years anyway, why not create a memory that could be with you a lifetime.

Leave your phones at home. Take a walk in some deserted summer hangout, go ice skating, if you can still find an old main street with holiday lights and cheer, take a walk, and don't stop to shop. Just enjoy the sights and smells.

If you can, find a coffee shop or bakery that isn't Starbucks, and doesn't have wifi, and enjoy the moments with each other.

If you are already in a relationship, maybe spend the time to do that thing that you said you'd get around to, which you are reminded about all the time, and which really, if you admit it, ought to get done. That will be remembered. Send the gardener away and rake the leaves yourself, if they are still there, and then come in and have home-made hot-chocolate together.

If you are a little artistic, or even not, you could just fold a piece of paper in four and make a card.

The thing is, people remember how you make them feel, and they remember that far longer than they will remember what you bought them, but maybe not quite as long as you'll remember that you have to pay and pay and pay, and work and work and work, and spend countless hours of your life for what you don't even remember you bought this Christmas, and the last, and the one before that.

So I suggest you use the one thing you can't get back, your time, to create the memories that will always be with you, and that maybe the better memory is the time you spent with the people you love rather than the time you had to fight to get the device/toy/gadget/fashion item of the season so you could pay it off longer than you care to remember.

What should I do if my wife doesn't surprise me on my birthday?
I always wanted my wife to surprise me on my birthday but she just wishes me. That's all. Nothing more than that. I just feel bad after reading few answers on Quora about Wife-Husband birthday surprises. What should I do now?
PS: My wife loves me so much!

My first suggestion is to go and tell her. The second is to be surprised by everything that happens:

“I woke up! Wow, how amazing it is to be alive. I have a wife next to me, how cool is that. She loves me. Holy moly, this is going to be a great day.”

This is actually be a great way to go through all of life.

Maybe you should also find pleasant ways to surprise her. Take on finding a way to get that special smile out of her every day, if it's a flower, taking out the garbage before she asks you, helping with something you usually don't do. Maybe she'll get how much fun that can be and start to look for ways to make you smile too.

How Can I Show Him I Love After 35 Years of Marriage?

Just come up with a way to make him smile every day. Thank him when he is great with you. Be great with him. Get curious about him. Come from the notion that you don't really know this person, and it's your mission to find out. Ask him to share with you the stuff he never did, or that he thought might be too stupid. Ask him if there is anything he wants to get off his chest, and what you can do to make his life better.

In other words, just communicate. He's your husband. Take your partnership to the next level.

And it could be you make him a birthday party, or a party for no reason. Invite every one you know who knows him to share something and make him a little book. I did this for my wife. The online version is here, Sharleen's Special Page. The paper version is ten times better.

How do I Know He Still Loves Me After 35 Years?

How do you know he ever loved you? What does it matter anyway?

A better question might be “Are you willing to take responsibility for making life together with him great?”

If so, you can restart the romance, plan a little getaway, buy a little gift, engage in a hundred small acts of kindness, not get upset. He might just get that that is a great way to be and start to surprise you back.

Maybe try waking up every morning, and saying to yourself “there's something new to discover about this man,” and “there's a way I can make him smile that he's never smiled before.” If you start looking for those things, you might find you still have a lifetime of adventures to pursue with this person.

I answer a lot of questions on Quora about relationships. I've answered more than a few on how do you know you are in love. So here I share how love looks for me:

Sharleen: “Are you Jewish?”
Me: “That depends. How Jewish are You?”
Sharleen: “Well, both of my parents are Jewish.”
Me: “I guess I'm not Jewish enough for You then.”

I suppose we knew in an instant where this might lead. While we've come a long way since then, some things don't change. I still want to call you a hundred times a day. You are still my best friend and the person I most want and love to play with.

You generate Love and Care and Beauty without thinking about it. It is who you are. You are the instant mother to a whole troupe of Lone Soldiers. You are the daughter who shifts everything in your life so you can go to a doctor's appointment with your mother in Jerusalem. You are the Mom who becomes an English teacher because heck, the school needs one. You are the Awesome Mom who has gotten up a thousand times to cook in the morning so that your kids have a solid breakfast and a proper lunch. You can't help but welcome Shabbat with meals fit for royalty.

You don't do anything in half measures. If you're going to make a hat, well cashmere it is. If you want to give someone jewelry, you make it yourself. You give people their smile back, giving them back a piece of themselves. You've heard of pre-made food, but that's not your style. It bothers you if it's not your own Challah on the table. Your food is the best, your kiddushes above and over and for everyone you can think to invite. Your house is the warmest.

You believe in people. We say that the only thing a child needs is to know his parent has his back. Our kids know that, without reserve. You have read all seven Harry Potter books to your children three times, in addition to many, many other books. You show up whenever your children have an event or a need, a new belt in Judo, a project day, another parent for the trip. You show your children how to be children, sometimes to their chagrin. You dance harder. You've been the fourth for four-square. You've played enough games of Monopoly to last you a lifetime, and yet you're still up for a game when your children call.

You've produced more Landmark programs than we can remember. You have touched literally thousands of lives. You have given people new leases on life, new relationships, a new space to be with that which is important in their lives. You have generated, again, and again, and again, your relationship with your mother, with your sister, and with the people you work and live with. You listen for what's important, and you bring that. You're a Giant, and you never think it's enough.

It's said that what distinguishes a Navy Seal is that when he has given all he has, and can't move another muscle, if a buddy is in need, he finds what he needs to keep going. You'd have made a damned fine Navy Seal.

And You continue to bring your Goofy Smile. That was our first moment, and I forget it sometimes. I don't always give you the space to smile like that, but it's that smile, and your faith in me, especially when I so often lack the faith in myself, that has made our life together possible.

Thank You for staying around so that I can Choose You, over and over again, so that I can look at my wife and partner, who seems to get sexier every time I look at her, and have something to wake up for every morning.

You're amazing. At some level you get that. My blessing for you is that you should be present to that every day of your life. You should get the gift you are to the world, and have the freedom to always let that shine.

“I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

Thank You for being the person who is constantly willing to generate the rest of your life with me. It's an honor and a privilege to hold that space.

Photo by: Ihor Malytskyi

This is an excerpt from my guide, Manning Up: The Guide to Get You Back in the Relationship Game.

First, you will not forget your ex, but until you complete your relationship with her, it is likely to haunt you. (I wrote this originally for guys; if you're not a guy, just switch the pronouns: it should work just as well.)

So here's what I suggest:

1. Thank Her: Sit down and write a letter to her thanking her for every little thing she did with and for you. Acknowledge her for how she made you feel, and for who she was for you.
2. Forgive Her: Make a list for yourself of every way you think you have been slighted by her. Consider that any and all of these things might have come from a place that had nothing to do with you. Maybe she slept with someone else because of her own insecurity, not something that had anything to do with you. Write down at least one reason for each of those things that would make it not about you.
3. Forgive Yourself: You are human. You make mistakes. You screw things up. You might have just killed the best thing you ever had, and just now come to realize it. But as long as you hang on to this, you will not have any chance to see the next great thing, the one that could be ten times better than the best you've ever had. As long as you entertain any conversation that you are a screw up, you will not give yourself permission to be fully in the next relationship. That's a shame, because you deserve a great relationship. So write down every way you were a dick (excuse my language), maybe note where that came from, forgive yourself, and make a commitment not to do that again.
4. Acknowledge Yourself Give yourself credit for everything you were and brought to the relationship. You are great. Notice all the things you did to build the relationship you had. And thank yourself for that. And note that even if your ex didn't get it or appreciate it, you made a difference. And get that that passion was not wasted. Maybe misdirected, but not wasted. Don't let that go. It's part of what makes you the amazing person you are.
5. Learn from Her: Take on that maybe you did have something to do with every thing that happened. I know this sounds the opposite of a previous point; it's not. It's not that anything was wrong or your fault; it's that if you take on that you are cause in the matter, you actually can choose to come from somewhere else. Maybe try “She slept with someone else because she wasn't feeling loved by me. Where could I bring love into the next relationship so that doesn't happen again?”
6. Get that the Next one is NOT YOUR EX: We are human. We look for patterns. We get burned. We say “Aha, I'm not going to let that happen again.” The problem is we start looking for “that.” When we look, we find it. This will kill your love life. I'm not saying be stupid. But don't be suspicious for no reason. That would just be letting some past bad experience haunt you now. Don't let it.
7. Get that the next one is Different: Even if she's your ex's identical twin, she reacts and thinks and loves and hurts diffently. You can not expect to know anything about her because you know anything about humanity, or women, or even her school or family. Let her suprise you.

As a bonus opportunity, you could actually call your ex and ask her if there is any advice she has for you. Thank her for all the stuff in number 1 above. Ask forgiveness, especially if you think it was all her fault. Ask her please to share with you everything that plugged her in or turned her off. There's probably a ton of stuff you just didn't notice.

Only do this if you can avoid reacting or getting angry. You want to learn here so you can be better in the future. Then finally ask her, “What's the one piece of advice, that if I got it, you think would make the biggest difference for me in my next relationship?” and listen like your love life depends on it.

Then thank her and move along. This should be enough to get you complete. If it's not, you've probably got other conversations about relationships not distinguished. If that's the case, then write down everything you say, or even hear, about relationships. Then look at each item and ask yourself if it's true. You'll notice that there are a lot of conversations in the background that could be getting in the way. But the neat thing is, the minute you notice them, you can let them be, and not let them have power over you. You can choose to come from some place else instead.

And once you've got that behind you, come follow me on Facebook, where I share a regular word of encouragement, sprinkled with some questions for a better date.