David Herz, Coach

I let my Girlfriend go because I can't bear to see her cry any longer. Was it the right thing to do?

I decided to let her go, and I'll regret it, but I'm dealing with a lot of problems: dad got a stroke, mom's asthma worsens, and my company is on the verge of bankruptcy. I am very depressed. I drink every night to feel numb. My girlfriend shares my pain and she always cries. It kills me to see her that way.

You are an idiot. You dumped your girlfriend because you can't stand yourself, you wallow in self-pity, she feels for you, and because she feels for you, and you feel guilty about it, you dump her.

No, it was the wrong thing to do. My question: “Do you have the balls to do the right thing?”

The right thing:

1. Declare that you are the source of all your problems.
2. Look at all your problems and find what to be grateful for inside them:
   • Dad had a stroke: Thank your maker that he didn't die, and you still have a dad that you can visit and get complete with before he dies. Acknowledge him for the life he gave you and everything that is good in it. Forgive him for anything that you have been blaming him for. Take responsibility for anything that does not work.
   • Your mom: Same thing. You still have a mom. Find a way to make her smile every day. Find a way to make her proud of you every day.
   • Your company: If you own it, find a way to save it or pivot so that it makes money. If it's going bust and there's no saving it, close and complete it's business in as honorable a way as you can. Get that you actually got the privilege to run a company. That's a big deal, even if it failed. Most do, by the way. If it's someone else's, stop acting like an employee and start acting like an owner. Find ways to add such massive value that it can survive. Or find another job.
3. The alcohol just screws you up. Stop it. Get to bed by 10:00. Get up at 5:30, make your bed, straighten out your room, and get some exercise. Write down ten ideas a day, write down three things to be grateful for, and then reach out to someone in your life and thank them, and don't be afraid to reach back 10 or 20 years and let people know they touched you. Pick one thing that you are going to accomplish that day. Then do it.
4. Find other ways to make money, even if it's cleaning out kitty litter for old cat ladies who can't take proper care of their cats anymore.
5. Last, complete with your girlfriend: How to Leave Your Ex Behind. But in this case, you are not going to leave her behind. She loves you. You love her. Your job is going to be to make her right. Every amazing thing she sees in you, you are going to ask yourself “How can I bring that to the world today?” instead of trying to prove that you are not that.

I hereby deny you any permission to second guess your girlfriend. If she says she loves you, you are just going to have to accept that you are lovable. You are going to take on that she sees every defect, wart, every cruddy thing you have ever done, and she still loves you, and that's okay.

And stop asking stupid questions like “Was it the Right Thing to Do?” That just gets your head spinning about what happened in the past that you can't change anymore. Ask instead: “What is the rightest thing I can do with what I know right now?” And then do that and don't look back.

And if you need help with any of this Hire Me. I promise you you'll have the best year ever.

One of the things I am really big on is putting your past in your past. (I highly recommend Landmark. for this.) Most of that lies in the stories we well ourselves about what happened and how the world is.

So today, I'd like to invite you to write down all the things you say about your gender, the opposite gender, and relationships. Maybe start with a list this morning. Ask your friends and coworkers about theirs during the day, and then add to the list this evening the things they say.

Then go back to each item and ask yourself, “Do you act like you believe it?” I'm not asking if you believe it. I'm sure there's stuff you know to be wrong, but you act that way anyway. One of mine is that there is stuff that you just don't share. And I know I can share anything with my wife and she'll still love me.

Then ask yourself if it's true. In my example, it's no: whatever it is, I don't think I've ever felt worse for sharing, and Sharleen usually helps. On top of that, Sharleen worries less not having to guess about what's bothering me.

What you want to notice is how much you limit yourself and how you put yourself out there based on the stories you tell, and the rules that go with them: how soon to text or call, when can you call it a date, what you can or can't talk about, when you can kiss her. The thing is a lot of us straight-jacket ourselves and then wonder why a date is no fun, if we can even get one.

Last, ask yourself, if I didn't have to be that way (which you don't), what way could I be? Then bring that to your next encounter, and see what happens. It might not get you the result you want right away. You might have to adjust along the way, but you'll be free to do that, and have a lot more fun along the way.

And, as always, if I can help you do that, I'd be happy to:

Book Here

"How do I figure out if someone is a real friend or just pretends to be?"

Sometimes you can’t, and sometimes it doesn’t matter. Sometimes all you need is a friend for a day or a season, or just a kind word at the right place and time.

A better question to ask is “How can I be a real friend?” If you focus on that you'll find that real friends start to show up.

First, I apologize for not getting into your in-boxes last week.

Second, I wish everyone the Happiest of Holidays and an Amazing New Year.

Now, the thing about having an Amazing New Year is that you've got to create it. If you keep doing what you've already been doing, there's a pretty good chance you'll keep having the same result. And if you are here spending some time with me, I'm guessing that's not what you want.

So I'd like you to take a little time to orient yourself for the year ahead. Start by downloading my Manning Up: The Guide Back. On page 15, you'll find an exercise I borrowed from Tucker Max's book Mate: Become the Man Women Want.

Do that exercise. It's about getting clear on what you want. When you've done that, I'll ask you to invest another four and a quarter minutes listening to this podcast: Brett McKay interviews Lewis Howse of the School of Greatness. Start at six minutes in. Mr. Howse gives you a suggestion for creating your vision. You want to be clear on that. I'll add that you should indicate why you want that.

I help guys who want to get married. Is that what you really want? Make sure it's not just what you think is right because of what your friends or family say. Figure out what it is in marriage or a long term relationship that turns you on and that would be worth investing your time to make it happen.

In my case, I'm tickled to have a built in best friend and playmate, someone I can love and let love me. That's a pretty big deal. But it's also a whole bunch of small things. It's knowing I'm not coming to an empty house at the end of the day. It's having someone I can share my wins and losses with. It's having someone I can cook for and be generous with. Sometimes it's just not being alone.

So now it's your turn. Let's get clear. And if you want to share, and get some feedback, I invite you over to the facebook page.

In the meantime, have a great New Year's celebration. But please, set yourself up so that it's followed by an even greater year.

All My Best,

David

How can a man know he is putting his time into the right woman, the woman who will not leave him?

You can't. She might get hit by a bus tomorrow, or die of cancer in three years, or just walk out because she is bored of you. Life is uncertain.

But here's the thing. If you start looking for signs she might walk out, you'll find them. Our mind is funny that way. It tries to find answers to the questions we ask. So we need to be really careful with the questions we ask. If you ask instead, “How can I love her so she will stay with me forever?” I promise you will have a lot more fun. And even someone who seemed a complete flake at the beginning might turn into the person who wouldn't leave you for anything.

And if you are ready to be that person, you can start this Wednesday at 7:00 eastern time.

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