David Herz, Coach

One of the things I am really big on is putting your past in your past. (I highly recommend Landmark. for this.) Most of that lies in the stories we well ourselves about what happened and how the world is.

So today, I'd like to invite you to write down all the things you say about your gender, the opposite gender, and relationships. Maybe start with a list this morning. Ask your friends and coworkers about theirs during the day, and then add to the list this evening the things they say.

Then go back to each item and ask yourself, “Do you act like you believe it?” I'm not asking if you believe it. I'm sure there's stuff you know to be wrong, but you act that way anyway. One of mine is that there is stuff that you just don't share. And I know I can share anything with my wife and she'll still love me.

Then ask yourself if it's true. In my example, it's no: whatever it is, I don't think I've ever felt worse for sharing, and Sharleen usually helps. On top of that, Sharleen worries less not having to guess about what's bothering me.

What you want to notice is how much you limit yourself and how you put yourself out there based on the stories you tell, and the rules that go with them: how soon to text or call, when can you call it a date, what you can or can't talk about, when you can kiss her. The thing is a lot of us straight-jacket ourselves and then wonder why a date is no fun, if we can even get one.

Last, ask yourself, if I didn't have to be that way (which you don't), what way could I be? Then bring that to your next encounter, and see what happens. It might not get you the result you want right away. You might have to adjust along the way, but you'll be free to do that, and have a lot more fun along the way.

And, as always, if I can help you do that, I'd be happy to:

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"How do I figure out if someone is a real friend or just pretends to be?"

Sometimes you can’t, and sometimes it doesn’t matter. Sometimes all you need is a friend for a day or a season, or just a kind word at the right place and time.

A better question to ask is “How can I be a real friend?” If you focus on that you'll find that real friends start to show up.

First, I apologize for not getting into your in-boxes last week.

Second, I wish everyone the Happiest of Holidays and an Amazing New Year.

Now, the thing about having an Amazing New Year is that you've got to create it. If you keep doing what you've already been doing, there's a pretty good chance you'll keep having the same result. And if you are here spending some time with me, I'm guessing that's not what you want.

So I'd like you to take a little time to orient yourself for the year ahead. Start by downloading my Manning Up: The Guide Back. On page 15, you'll find an exercise I borrowed from Tucker Max's book Mate: Become the Man Women Want.

Do that exercise. It's about getting clear on what you want. When you've done that, I'll ask you to invest another four and a quarter minutes listening to this podcast: Brett McKay interviews Lewis Howse of the School of Greatness. Start at six minutes in. Mr. Howse gives you a suggestion for creating your vision. You want to be clear on that. I'll add that you should indicate why you want that.

I help guys who want to get married. Is that what you really want? Make sure it's not just what you think is right because of what your friends or family say. Figure out what it is in marriage or a long term relationship that turns you on and that would be worth investing your time to make it happen.

In my case, I'm tickled to have a built in best friend and playmate, someone I can love and let love me. That's a pretty big deal. But it's also a whole bunch of small things. It's knowing I'm not coming to an empty house at the end of the day. It's having someone I can share my wins and losses with. It's having someone I can cook for and be generous with. Sometimes it's just not being alone.

So now it's your turn. Let's get clear. And if you want to share, and get some feedback, I invite you over to the facebook page.

In the meantime, have a great New Year's celebration. But please, set yourself up so that it's followed by an even greater year.

All My Best,

David

How can a man know he is putting his time into the right woman, the woman who will not leave him?

You can't. She might get hit by a bus tomorrow, or die of cancer in three years, or just walk out because she is bored of you. Life is uncertain.

But here's the thing. If you start looking for signs she might walk out, you'll find them. Our mind is funny that way. It tries to find answers to the questions we ask. So we need to be really careful with the questions we ask. If you ask instead, “How can I love her so she will stay with me forever?” I promise you will have a lot more fun. And even someone who seemed a complete flake at the beginning might turn into the person who wouldn't leave you for anything.

And if you are ready to be that person, you can start this Wednesday at 7:00 eastern time.

Start Being the Man Women Want

Ask a different question. Our mind gives us answers to the questions we ask it. You're asking your mind to invent a raft of trust issues.

Why not start asking, “How can I connect with the people I meet today?” You'll start making connections. Some of those, you'll want to deepen. Before you know it you'll have life full of people you feel connected to, and some you will be ready to trust with anything, including your heart.

And if You want some help being the kind of Man who asks the right questions, you might want to join my course starting next week:

Start Being the Man Women Want