David Herz, Coach

Asked on Quora:

Should I support my musician boyfriend pursue his dreams while he depends on me financially completely? He has been trying for about 6 years.

No. You should tell him to get a damned job and pursue his music on the side.

It's time to stop trying and start doing. And when he takes on his job, he should take on doing it with excellence.

And then, especially if he hates his job, tell him to double down on his music. Work full time at his job, and work full-time at his music, with the same damned intensity.

Then he'll know if he really wants his music, or just likes calling himself a musician.

And don't let him get away with just practicing. A musician performs. Make sure he's booking at least one gig a week, and giving it his all.

But don't you dare suffer for his art. If he wants to suffer for his art, that's great. You can drive him to his gigs, be his sound engineer if you want, and be his biggest fan, but he's got to take on being the damned artist.

Recently Asked on Quora

How do you become your own best friend?

This is a bad idea. While you should have self-respect and a healthy view of your potential/ability, as your own best friend you are talking into an echo chamber that will only confirm and grow your biases.

You want a critical outside party to give you a good smack upside the head when you need it, a hug when you need it, a shoulder to cry on, and even a pity party from time to time, followed with a smack upside the head. You can try to be this for yourself, but it's too easy to uncritically fall into bad patterns.

What's more, you live in the world. You must learn to navigate that world. Instead of looking inside, you might want to engage in a much more fun question: “What can I do today to be the World's Best Friend?” or “What can I do to be X's Best Friend today?” where X is any person you want to connect with today.

There are two things I want to add here. The first is the best way to have friends is to be a friend. A friend does without any expectation of return or profit. He does because he has a commitment and it makes him feel good.

Second, it's not for you to judge if you are a good enough friend. If a person says you are, you are. That doesn't oblige you to anything, other than the baseline honesty and straightness that should be there anyway.

Take it on. If you want you can make it your theme for 2018. And if you are so inclined, come on back here and let me know how it went.

Dear Friend:

I write to ask your forgiveness. And I thank G-d that you are so much more grown up than I.

You said on Wednesday that you get angry. I could only think that you got that from me, and that's really not the legacy I want to leave you. It's not a happy - or productive - way to go through life.

I interviewed a friend of mine a few weeks ago. And then got to speaking with him about parenting afterward. He shared the major lesson he left his kid: “Just keep going.”

I missed that one somewhere. Every time I thought I made a mistake, every time things didn't go as planned, every opportunity I've missed, I let it mess me up. With all the Landmark I've done, you'd think I'd be past it (instead, I use it as more evidence that I am screwed up).

Read more »

Jakob Owens

My fiance says I stress him out and he needs space but does not want to break up. He booked an Airbnb for 3 weeks and has blocked my number. What should I do?

First, you should complete what was. You don't need to get married just because you invested all this time in a relationship.

Let's start with, knowing everything you do about him, would you still choose him if you only met him today?

If no, stop reading and end it. If yes, keep going.

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I let my Girlfriend go because I can't bear to see her cry any longer. Was it the right thing to do?

I decided to let her go, and I'll regret it, but I'm dealing with a lot of problems: dad got a stroke, mom's asthma worsens, and my company is on the verge of bankruptcy. I am very depressed. I drink every night to feel numb. My girlfriend shares my pain and she always cries. It kills me to see her that way.

You are an idiot. You dumped your girlfriend because you can't stand yourself, you wallow in self-pity, she feels for you, and because she feels for you, and you feel guilty about it, you dump her.

No, it was the wrong thing to do. My question: “Do you have the balls to do the right thing?”

The right thing:

1. Declare that you are the source of all your problems.
2. Look at all your problems and find what to be grateful for inside them:
   • Dad had a stroke: Thank your maker that he didn't die, and you still have a dad that you can visit and get complete with before he dies. Acknowledge him for the life he gave you and everything that is good in it. Forgive him for anything that you have been blaming him for. Take responsibility for anything that does not work.
   • Your mom: Same thing. You still have a mom. Find a way to make her smile every day. Find a way to make her proud of you every day.
   • Your company: If you own it, find a way to save it or pivot so that it makes money. If it's going bust and there's no saving it, close and complete it's business in as honorable a way as you can. Get that you actually got the privilege to run a company. That's a big deal, even if it failed. Most do, by the way. If it's someone else's, stop acting like an employee and start acting like an owner. Find ways to add such massive value that it can survive. Or find another job.
3. The alcohol just screws you up. Stop it. Get to bed by 10:00. Get up at 5:30, make your bed, straighten out your room, and get some exercise. Write down ten ideas a day, write down three things to be grateful for, and then reach out to someone in your life and thank them, and don't be afraid to reach back 10 or 20 years and let people know they touched you. Pick one thing that you are going to accomplish that day. Then do it.
4. Find other ways to make money, even if it's cleaning out kitty litter for old cat ladies who can't take proper care of their cats anymore.
5. Last, complete with your girlfriend: How to Leave Your Ex Behind. But in this case, you are not going to leave her behind. She loves you. You love her. Your job is going to be to make her right. Every amazing thing she sees in you, you are going to ask yourself “How can I bring that to the world today?” instead of trying to prove that you are not that.

I hereby deny you any permission to second guess your girlfriend. If she says she loves you, you are just going to have to accept that you are lovable. You are going to take on that she sees every defect, wart, every cruddy thing you have ever done, and she still loves you, and that's okay.

And stop asking stupid questions like “Was it the Right Thing to Do?” That just gets your head spinning about what happened in the past that you can't change anymore. Ask instead: “What is the rightest thing I can do with what I know right now?” And then do that and don't look back.

And if you need help with any of this Hire Me. I promise you you'll have the best year ever.