David Herz, Coach

Wyron A

What is [sic] unconditional love's greatest errors?

I disagree with your premise. There is no issue with loving unconditionally. There is issue in being stupid and letting yourself be manipulated because of your love.

For instance, a child needs limits. If a parent doesn't provide them, he's not loving his child, he's abdicating his responsibility. Do you have any idea what it takes to not cave to a child at certain times? But I'd argue you are not loving your child if you do.

How about not enabling a junkie if that's your m.o? Or holding the hand of someone who's dying? Or letting a person make his own mistakes? And being ready to not be right about it?

So yes, love unconditionally, but be wise, be straight, be forthright, be responsible for your word.

I'm a boring and extremely shy and ugly 24 year old girl. I have very low self-esteem. I cry everyday for being myself. Is it possible for me to have a boyfriend?

It's probably not possible for you to have a healthy relationship in your current state of mind, but this one is all on you.

It's not your job to determine if you are enough for someone else. That's for them.

Your job is to be enough for yourself, and if there is something about yourself that you don't like, go and change it. Get interested in something, and you will be interesting, and it doesn't matter if it's particle physics or plumbing.

If you don't like the way you look, change it, or at least learn how to present at your best.

There are plenty of people who aren't “good looking” who are plenty attractive. It's because they don't put the attention on themselves.

Stop looking at yourself. Look instead at how you can make a difference in the world. Then go do it. You'll find your current question becomes irrelevant.

Max-Jakob Beer

I've been seeing a man for 4 months. He said, “Well, I mean I like you and I love your personality.” Doesn't my personality make me who I am? What does he even mean by that?

It means he enjoys your company, but doesn't, at least at the moment, see this going the distance.

Or it means he has no balls and is not willing to commit.

If you care enough to get him out of his idiot fantasy, you might ask him, “What would true love look like to you?” I'm guessing at the bottom of it is some Hollywood sweep him off his feet fantasy. Mostly, love doesn't work that way. Even with the “being swept off your feet,” at some point it comes down to the work you put into a relationship.

I'd want to know if he's willing to give up the fantasy (look at how successful Hollywood marriages are anyway), declare that he loves you, wholly and completely, as you are and as you are not (and I'm deliberately avoiding the word feeling here), and then live and act into that declaration.

In other words, is he willing to grow up, be with the great person in front of him, and commit to creating a life with her/you?

I chatted with a friend the other day. He's a successful business consultant, generous friend, warm and loving father, and active in his community.

And with all that, he doesn't feel like he's mastered the art of communication.

So he got me thinking about Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) for a great relationship. I'm going to swing to the side of the personal, but the same should work in all relationships.

So I thought about the complaints that some of us might hear:

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Is marriage a bad idea if your boyfriend is struggling to generate a consistent source of income as an entrepreneur and you're also in a long-distance relationship?

They are not connected. Do you love each other? Are you both willing to be great with each other? Are you both willing to support each other as your are building your dreams?

It might be a harder road than picking the guy with the good job and steady income next door (that might not last either), but wouldn’t it be a better adventure to share, and wouldn't you be happier knowing you picked a partner with whom you could take on anything and keep going until you win?

Of course, it would also take that kind of commitment. Ask him if he's willing to play that game. Ask yourself if you are willing to play that game.

If the answer is yes to those, you've got a good chance with him.