David Herz, Coach

Why do I always feel like an outsider in this world and life and like I just want the torment to end?

Because you are human and you are spending too much time looking inward.

Some people will always feel like outsiders. Your problem is that you give this importance, and are tormented because you feel it should be otherwise.

On the other hand, it sounds like you do want to engage with people and have meaningful human contact. This you can generate quickly.

I don't know why this comes up, but Tony Robbins, from one of his events sent people to a local mall to offer people hugs. My son has walked around with a “Free Hugs” sign attached to his shirt. If you're adventurous, or really want the torment to end without offing yourself, give it a shot.

But if you want to go more slowly, find any local agency that deals with seniors, homeless, under-fed, abused, and volunteer to deliver care packages, spend time, etc. You will quickly find there is a whole world of people out there who would be tickled for a little bit of your attention. Talk to your local religious leader: he will always know who could use a hand or an ear in your community.

You might not get rid of feeling an outsider where you think you want to be an insider, but you will certainly find meaningful interaction, love, laughs, tears, and the full range of things that makes humanity human.

And life will suddenly seem a lot more tolerable.

Q: How should I communicate with my boyfriend when he said he needs a break from this relationship? Should I stop messaging him, or what is the rule?

You should negotiate that with him. The only rules here are the ones you set between each other.

You might want to ask for one more conversation before he goes (because breaks often are endings) so that you can ask exactly what he thinks he needs a break from, but only do this if you can really give him the space to share what’s there for him. Use it as an opportunity to learn so you can be better in the next relationship:

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If he says you are ugly and not good enough for him, I'd take on that he's not good enough for you.

Look around you. You could find a reason to consider almost every person out there ugly. You could also find genius in each one if you look.

If you don't see the beautiful when you look at yourself, you're not looking for the right thing.

We tend to be harsh judges of ourselves, and that's a shame for the world. Don't do that. Let your beauty out. Someone out there will appreciate it, and want to celebrate it with you over the long term, if that's what you want.

Let this one go. No, cast him aside. He's not worth your time, which is the only thing you can not get back in life.

When is it time to give up on getting an ex back? I’m the one who broke up with him & when I asked to try again he said he needed to think about it. (Together for 3 years & broke up because college was too much)

You couldn’t integrate this relationship into your life. You didn’t trust that he’d wait for you. You didn’t ask for his help to get you through. You related to your relationship like it was one class too many that you had to cut to get through the semester.

That’s what you need to take responsibility for. Are you willing to commit to being a partner, to asking for help, to communicating needs without killing the relationship?

If you are willing to go there, then you’ve got to let him know, and apologize for cutting him off instead of asking for his support.

You asked when. The when is when you are willing to be the person he needs to actually create a relationship. You might want to call him, take responsibility for what was, and ask what it was you missed that would and could have made this work. And when he tells you, check in with yourself if you can bring that now.

My husband and I were breaking up then came the COVID-19 lockdown. We decided to try again. What can help us now? We've been together 10 years and communication is broken.

So it's time to clean up your communications, make a commitment to start over with a commitment to being open and honest.

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