David Herz, Coach

Q: Why do I feel like I regret being in my relationship?

Because you have given up something to be there, whether your freedom, time with your friends, family, hobbies, religion, etc.

What you want to do is look to see if you actually negotiated any of this, or just did it because you thought you had to, or if he demanded it.

You should make a list of the things that are important to you (including future kids, relationship to money, religion, whose family to spend the holidays with), that fill your soul, that give you meaning in the world, that worry you, that make you sad, etc.

Then you should ask yourself if you can even share these with him, or if you would to make the relationship work. If you can't do that (to most of it anyway), you're still wearing a mask and the relationship has barely begun.

If you can, then start talking to him about the things you need to structure back in to make it work, and figure out how to honor yourself while you honor the relationship.

And if he can't or won't, or makes what you think is important small, then get out and find someone who is more willing to partner with you.

Asked on Quora: What should a person do when they are unsure of what they want in a relationship, and are not sure if it is worth continuing their current relationship?

Maybe start by looking at what you want inside what the younger version of you wanted.

If you go there, it's usually a spouse, a house, a few kids, maybe a dog. Heck, that's what nature wants for us.

And if that's what you want, you might want to start looking realistically at what is necessary to have those things there: shared family values, a shared religion, a similar outlook on life, a similar ethic as to money, family, etc.

Then when you have all that down, look at your current relationship, maybe ask if that's where he sees it going. What are his dreams? Where does he see himself in five years. Are you in the picture, or were you just a station along the way.

And if that doesn't jive with where you are and what you want, then move on and find someone willing to be the partner you deserve.

Quora Question: How do you end and stay away from a toxic relationship?

You make a clear set of red-line rules that you commit to keeping and walking away the minute any of those lines is crossed. Here are some I would suggest:

• He is unkind to people, waiters, clerks, support staff, people he doesn't owe anything to, like that.
• He tries to put a wedge between you and your family and friends.
• He pushes you to be someone you don't want to be or do things you don't want to do.
• He causes you to question your reason or sanity.
• He makes you feel small, or ugly, or unworthy.
• He talks about how lucky you are to have him, rather than the other way around.

If you are in one of these already, you develop an exit plan. If there is any fear he might get violent, you make sure you have the right support around.

Obviously, you can swap the sexes. It goes both ways.

How do you define a healthy relationship, and what are some key indicators of one?

I actually got on this morning to address this, even before I saw the question. My answer expands well beyond the question. It's more about what you need to bring to have a great relationship than a definition of one.

As I look back over it now it appears as exhausting, and sometimes it will take everything of you. On the other hand, it will also give back more than you imagine, more than you ever thought was possible.

The point is that it is not about not being alone, though that might be a by-product. It is about aligning yourself toward a future, of partnership, hard work, and deep satisfaction. You might sometimes find yourself more alone than you imagined. On the other side, you might feel more integrated, involved, alive, part of something important (a partner in the creation of the universe), than you ever have as well.

And you are up to it. If you set out on this path, the world will align for it to be the right one for you.

Both partners are committed to the greatness of the other.

Both are willing to:

• listen,
• communicate,
• support each other's dreams,
• provide a shoulder to cry on,
• step back and let the other shine,
• romance, protect and defend,
• let the other grow, even if he or she might grow in a way that puts stress on or even leads to the end of the relationship,

Neither requires the other to change, but both are willing to mold themselves (i.e. change) to help their partner be the best version of himself, to grow the relationship, to get along with each other's families and social networks.

Both are sensitive to the needs of the other.

Both are willing to share their needs and negotiate to make sure that needs are met.

Neither causes the other to feel small, insecure, unworthy.

Neither pushes the other away from the important people in the other's life.

Now that's nice for friends, but if you have a view to marriage, I'd suggest you align on these as well:

• Attitude toward money
• Religion: it's not important, until it is, which is as soon as you have kids and start to negotiate holidays, a shared one is ideal, anything else is work, and if you are both committed in different ways, this should be a deal-breaker.
• Kids, how many more or less, how soon, how frequent
• Living arrangements: City, burbs, near families or not (in one of your parent's spaces, fiercely independent, or some space between), willing to follow work, like that
• Work arrangements: do you expect both to work, does your partner see it like that.
• Family: Getting along with them is important. Family can kill relationships, or add a lot of stress.

Potential non-negotiables.

• Pets: If you can't live without them, make sure he's okay with that.
• Diet: If you are Vegan and he won't give up his barbecue, make sure you are okay with that long-term.

If you want a relationship, don't expect the other person to change for you. At the same time, you might want to conform your behavior to accommodate her. Maybe you were a slob as a bachelor, and it doesn't work for her now. Fix that. It's a small price to pay.

On the other hand, don't expect a quid pro quo.

If you want a relationship to work, you must get used to noticing the good, and maybe stepping over the temporarily inconvenient. If she spent her day making herself look beautiful (at expense you can't afford, no less), but didn't get dinner on the table (a major hassle for you), the better attitude might be “I didn't know it was date night. Let me get a quick shower. Where are we headed for dinner?”

Not that you shouldn't address the budget and expenses, but maybe set that for Sunday morning after breakfast. Remember, you aligned on that at the outset, or at least made a commitment to negotiate these things, but this might not be the moment.

In sum, I guess a healthy relationship is a function of the commitments you are willing to make to be great with and for each other.

Indicators of One:

Personally

you actually want to spend more time with this person. You are making up ways to make her smile and laugh and play with you. You know what's important to her, and do what you can to have her have that.

You feel you have a partner who wants the best for you, knows what you need, and creates space for that.

In Others

you see two people dancing through life. There is ease and play, people finishing each other's sentences, coordinating their clothes so they look great together. You see laughter, and support, maybe people who don't care how dorky they look because they look fine for each other.

You see people who find a kind word for each other, even when they are in pain, even when they don't want to, especially if they are already a little annoyed with each other.

From Quora:

My boyfriend is sad depressed because we can't see each other always, what can I say to him?

Tell him to get better and the rest should sort itself out. Maybe say something like this:

“Get the heck out of your head bucko. Enjoy the time we can be together. Instead of thinking about how we are apart and how sad that makes you, think about how you can make our next time together unforgettable, and do that for every time we will be together, and don’t think you will get a pass when we get married. Then you’ll have to come up with something every morning.

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