Why do I always feel like an outsider in this world and life and like I just want the torment to end?

Because you are human and you are spending too much time looking inward.

Some people will always feel like outsiders. Your problem is that you give this importance, and are tormented because you feel it should be otherwise.

On the other hand, it sounds like you do want to engage with people and have meaningful human contact. This you can generate quickly.

I don't know why this comes up, but Tony Robbins, from one of his events sent people to a local mall to offer people hugs. My son has walked around with a “Free Hugs” sign attached to his shirt. If you're adventurous, or really want the torment to end without offing yourself, give it a shot.

But if you want to go more slowly, find any local agency that deals with seniors, homeless, under-fed, abused, and volunteer to deliver care packages, spend time, etc. You will quickly find there is a whole world of people out there who would be tickled for a little bit of your attention. Talk to your local religious leader: he will always know who could use a hand or an ear in your community.

You might not get rid of feeling an outsider where you think you want to be an insider, but you will certainly find meaningful interaction, love, laughs, tears, and the full range of things that makes humanity human.

And life will suddenly seem a lot more tolerable.