David Herz, Coach

I had a conversation yesterday, and we got to talking about how to raise healthy kids. So, having written up the recommendations for one, I share it with the world. If you are a reader, here are a handful I recommend:

Read more »

I don't know what enters people's heads when they walk into a public space, but I am sure I don't get it.

My beef of the day is the limits that people set, or don't, for their children in the synagogue.

I get you want your kid to participate, but that doesn't mean that the synagogue needs to take on playground rules. I am sure your child can participate in prayer just as well without climbing on the furniture, or standing, in bare feet or shoes, on the surface on which the next person will be putting his hands and prayer book, or even on the upholstery (that wears too).

If your child wants to be at your level, you could actually just hold him there. And if you really must let him climb all over the furniture, . . .

Read more »

I graduated high school as the valedictorian and I performed very well in the sports I played. Of course I would want him to have my interests, but I do not expect him to. I do want him to be mentally capable and I for sure want to know how to help his development to surpass me as soon as possible.

It's tricky. You were obviously motivated. What you might be asking yourself is whether that motivation actually lead you to do the great things in life you once dreamed of, or whether it caused you to follow some other path or dream.

I'd say the best thing you can do is to make sure you share your curiosity with your child, or if that seems to have faded, share his curiosity with him. When he wants to rip something apart to figure how it works, be there with him. When an appliance breaks, take it to pieces with him. Always wonder, always talk to him like he can understand everything, because at some level he can. Amazingly, there are concepts of calculus/statistics/geometry we can understand without knowing our times tables.

Just get interested. And if money or access is an issue, that's great, because then you have to become creative. One of my sons is into archery and knife throwing. We got on youtube and found some ideas for targets and made our own, one out of corrugated cardboard boxes, the other out of scrap lumber.

Another asked about twins, and I pulled out my old Animal Reproduction textbook (my B.S. is in Animal Science) and we got to look at fertilization, implantation, etc.

Now that my kids are almost all teenagers, the one thing I wish I'd spent more time on is getting them to develop mastery in something. It's what caused me to look at Sal Kahn's Ted video above. There are kids who are at the top of their game by the time they are 16. Just look at the Olympics. And how many world class musicians started as kids? They liked something, they practiced. They got that getting good was fun, and made them better people.

On the one hand, pushing doesn't help. On the other, giving the space so they can take what they like and really play full out is amazing. Sometimes it's hard not to push though. You see something your kid is good at, you'll say “Wow. This is it.” All of a sudden you've pushed a bit too hard, and he won't touch it again, ever.

Oh and read Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting.

And trust yourself. Just by asking this question, you have ensured that he will be, because you are interested enough and committed enough to make sure it will happen.

I spoke to a mother last night. I'll call her M. She's been going through a rough patch with her only son, whom I'll call A. A is all of ten years old, but has gotten into some rather inappropriate sexual content and related behavior recently. A social worker got involved. M and A met with a therapist. A said he'd love to talk with the therapist every day.

Anyway, my experience with M is that she comes from a behaviorist model (think Carrot and Stick, or B. F. Skinner if you are a little more familiar) when trying to raise A. There are a lot of shoulds, a lot of conditions, and a lot of consequences. It all comes from a good place. A child should read, I agree, but it takes the joy out when reading is a pre-condition to playing on his Wii. The thing is M doesn't often pick up a book herself. So reading is probably seen by A as a chore that must be done before he can enjoy himself.

Let's put it in perspective. I was in honors English most of my high school career. There were a lot of books that we were supposed to read. Often, I didn't (Monarch and Cliff provided an alternative), and I certainly didn't see sinking into a couch with an assigned book as any sort of pleasure. Now, I read a lot. In fact, I've picked up a lot of the books that I was supposed to read since then, and actually like them. Many are brilliant. They evoke emotions now they didn't then. I have a bookshelf in my bathroom with all manner of books. They all give me something to think about and often a perspective I didn't have before. They might have done that in high school as well, but I don't recall that being my experience. And it might be that that experience primed me to be able to enjoy the books as I do today.

But I think it's more likely the hours I spent in my mother’s lap with books like "The Diggingest Dog" and "Das Auto Hier Heisst Ferdinand" and the model of the constant reading of my father, and later my wife, that rekindled in me the notion that reading could itself be the source of pleasure.

But I digress. I don't think a consequences world is a lot of fun. It's not like we don't have resort to them. Our whole criminal code is based on this model. But I don't think it's really what keeps people from committing crimes, or at least I hope not. What does is the good value system of most of the folks we share our society with. And a lot of us learn the message underneath the carrot and stick approach in spite of it, but This is the Hard Way. At least it's the harder way in the end. And unfortunately, some of us learn from the carrot and stick approach that power and fear are the basis of human relations. Devoid of a loving context, this is probably a good primer for sociopathic behavior.

I think in M and A's case, the love is present, but I think the approach gives a mixed message. I'm convinced that the main thing a child needs to experience is that his parent always has his back, but that's food for another discussion.

So, M saw pajamas she thought A would like. She bought them for him. He's been excited for days about them. M said it was nice, but this isn't what she expected. And I saw it from a different place. Here's a kid who is in a bit of a spot because of inappropriate behavior. His mother talks about it in his presence. Living a Carrot and Stick life, he might expect some negative consequence. That didn't happen. Instead, his mom bought him a gift just because.

It might even be that part of his behavior was a test. I think kids in this kind of place are often testing if their parents are really there for them.

The pajamas might have been an accident, but it sent exactly the right message at the right time. She passed the test without even knowing it. I suggested this to M. And I hope I can work with her some more to make sure this is the message A continues to get. M said things are different now, and for the better. The thing is that mindful parents can continue to send this message and have this experience with just a little bit of work.

And it might be a bit harder up front, but I think it makes the rest of raising a child a much easier experience.

And if you need some help creating this context with your child, reach out and we'll see what we can do to create your Pajamas moment, or a life full of them.

Schedule My Conversation Now