David Herz, Coach

So, as I pay attention to what my young mentors are saying, I am visited by the phrase that “everything old is new again.” In this case, the context was Scott Dinsmore's A Beginner’s Guide to Fearless Giving: The Difference Between a Failed Business & a Flourishing Revolution; what strikes me about this post is that he describes my ideal of the good neighbor. It seems his whole movement is about recreating the connection that was once so basic to life.

We have spent so much time putting the focus on the individual that we have neglected the importance of the social context. And it's not only an individual, it's a particularized ideal of individual that has infected our society. Just think of the people who society worships.

On the other hand are the people of Scott's “revolution.” What sets them apart is that they want to look deeper. They want to see the individual within, and that starts with themselves. It's almost tragic that our modern world has brought us to the point that seeing and being with the person within takes such an effort. Perhaps this has always been the state of man, but I haven't been around long enough to know that.

So I share with you some of the advice I've shared this week. This first bit addresses the gnawing doubt that is just too often present in our lives, in this instance, I was responding to a young designer stopped in pursuing her art:

I am guessing here - but sometimes I am a good guesser - that this is just a symptom of your inner critic (little voice, hidden script, people have given lots of names to this) screwing with you. You are obviously a perfectionist. You obviously know a lot, but you haven't studied this and probably don't feel you have the credentials to pass yourself off as the expert. My guess is you probably don't value what you know and have the way others would. You might have been brought up thinking that you have to work for your money instead of play for it. So if this is the case with you, I invite you to give it up. If someone would actually agree to give you X thousand (currency unit of your choice) to help them re-imagine their space, then you are worth that and more. I think once you get comfortable with that, or at least learn to ignore that little voice (it'll never leave you by the way, but you can just let it babble in the background), you'll find it's a lot easier to turn what you love into money. I actually love this Amanda Palmer Commencement Speech about following your inner muse.

By the way Amanda's speech is about the Fraud Police, her version of the inner critic. In my case, it happens to be the voice that says “Who are you to think that you are ‘the one’?”

But this is clearly not the question to be asking. We should be asking “who are we not to use the gifts given to us?” This calls us into action as opposed to stopping us. The problem is so many of us have been trained to ignore our gifts and do as we are told, or live into the unwritten expectations of and for our lives.

Well, one of my gifts is the ability not to get caught in people's drama (I thought of using another word, but this one's okay) and challenge them to be bigger than they imagine themselves to be. I see the bigger person within just crazy to get out.

But this is a blog, and it's kind of hard for me to be in your face like I'd like to be. So I am going to start with the basics, and here's your first assignment.

Say THANK YOU! So much of happiness has to do with being grateful for what we have. We all know people who have a lot, but it's never enough, and people who've got next to nothing, but are happy. It's obviously not about the having.

A great first step to happiness is waking up every morning and coming up with at least three things to be grateful for (thank your deity if so inclined). If you want to take it to the next level, actually thank someone every day. I thank my kids for choosing me to be their father, my wife for her love and patience, my parents for their support, etc. etc.

Then take a look at what lights you up, and put that in your schedule. If you've got a hundred things on this list, pick one, and make it happen. It's that simple.

And if people tell you you are nuts, here's the thing, taken from today's advice to a high school student:

You are threatening to those who have squelched their own ambition to survive in this world. Don't buy into their crap. Be ambitious, be proud, be yourself; don't let anyone tell you that you must settle for less.
And yes, maybe your idea is crazy, but maybe it's the one that will change the world. Don't be afraid to experiment. Feel free to ask your teachers and elders to let you fail. I am sure if you probe a little bit, you will find that they all have some experience of failure from which they learned a heck of a lot. While they might want to protect you, it just might be keeping you from growing. There are some things best learned first hand.
That said, feel free to thank these people and listen. Maybe there are pearls in what they say.
In the end however, you must make your own way, and they know it. There might be hurt and disappointment along the way, but if there weren't you wouldn't be putting yourself out there and living.
So whatever it is, I suggest you go for it. Do your best to prepare, ask advice where you can get it, but mostly just be in action.

…and if I can help, call on me. As you may have noted, I added a word to the header of my coach blog, ”Seer.” That's my job, to see what's great in you, whether you see it or not, and get that to shine through.

I wish you a great end of year and a beautiful holiday season. But let's turn the spirit of the season into the spirit of our lives. Let's be neighbors and take care of each other. Maybe we'll just find it's also the best way to take care of ourselves.

So I guess this is kind of a meta-thought process kind of post. I have sorted out my muses, and they are Ramit Sethi, Derek Halpern, Scott Dinsmore, and James Altucher. I've just started Mr. Sethi's Earn1k, but I also down-loaded some of Scott's tools this week. The one that caught me today was his weekly planner. It's drawn from Tony Robbins, and starts with the assignment “Connect and Visualize the Big Picture.” I closed my eyes, and nothing was clear. At first, all was black, but as I drifted into sleep (I really should have attempted this earlier in the day), I saw an overwhelming brown cloud. I saw myself standing in a barren landscape seemingly lit but already with the cloud arching over me coming out of the east.

I didn't know if this was an expression of a personal state, or a concern for the entire middle east or the world. I was sure that I was alone. It appears I don't want to be responsible for the big things I say I am up to. And then I have an excuse to do nothing. I haven't taken responsibility, and I won't allow myself to put my trust in others. I suppose these are the “hidden scripts” that Mr. Sethi talks about, or as I know it better from my work at Landmark, the little voice in my head. So I guess it is time to say to the little voice thank you for sharing, and live a brave life (in the words of Amy DeRosia) in my world. As I just suggested to my friend Elizabeth Breckenridge, if we are committed to people living at the edge of their own comfort zone, we ought to celebrate the challenge to put ourselves on the line in front of the world.

So what lights me up in the world is peeling away the layers of crap that “society” has put between ourselves and our humanity. People have been sold a bill of goods, and most don't even realize it. I suppose these are the not-so-hidden-scripts that too many of us take as the truth, ideas like home ownership being the “American Dream,” that to succeed one must go to college, that more choices make us happier, that when I (graduate, get my license, get a job, find the right wife, have kids, earn my first million, get divorced, retire, etc.), then I'll be happy.

For all we've got, Dr. Brené Brown reminds us we are the most in-debt, obese, addicted, medicated adult cohort in American history. She also reminds us that human connection is fundamental.

But our government policies don't honor a sense of community; instead they separate. Battle lines are drawn regarding funding for the young, those hoping to be educated, those needing health care, and those past the age of work and often in need of special care. We are all fighting for a piece of a pie instead of figuring out how to bake more together. As I write this, I think of an individually tutored degree, where a young person partners with a retired person to engage in an individualized course of study and internship in his desired field. The price of school could be some token sum in addition to retirement benefits. A savings might even be had in that the intern could take the place of a paid attendant for say forty hours a week.

This is how Abe Lincoln became a lawyer. The desirability of this approach may also explain why law schools are providing more and more real-world practice to the budding lawyer.

So I've gone off the path and run onto one of my rethinking of government rants. The point is the big picture. The big picture is people living and thriving in strong communities, groups of people who care for and support each other, groups of people who provide what is basic to humans, a sense of belonging and a place to call home, which in turn will give rise to more active, engaged, successful human beings and citizens.

I haven't come up with the measure yet to determine if I am succeeding, but I certainly see openings for action. While we're coming up with measures, I invite you to share your thoughts on the programs and institutions that get in our way, and the initiatives you'd like to see to build the connection for which humans yearn.

“Dammit I'm scared” should be our signal to act.

The problem is most of us don't even recognize when we are stopped by fear. We give it nice new names and make up beautiful stories, like “I'm too shy” or “I wouldn't want to offend people” or “We shouldn't make someone else feel uncomfortable.” Our “barbaric Yawp” has been stifled by our fear of failure, our fear of not looking good, thousands of nos and shoulds and shouldn'ts, and lots of - way too much - “practical advice.”

Our fire, our passion, our desire to wake up in the morning can and will be kindled again. It will start with a relaxing of the standards and a return of the greats, of parents reading to their children without any aim but their mutual enjoyment, of teachers hauling out a tattered old book of poetry and reading without a test in mind, of children learning to imagine that the homeless person on the corner was once a child much as they are, of people recording or sharing their ideas. Indeed, it has started, in thousands of blog posts and huge communities of people sharing themselves and getting that who they are, quirks and idiosyncrasies included, can be and is an amazing and unique contribution to the world.

But for every conversation for possibility, there are probably ten of resignation, lost hope, and missed dreams. It is these we are going to put back in their place. We do not come to you with platitudes of “hope and change,” hoping the next president will make things change so our lives will be better. Rather we intend to revisit Mr. Kennedy's exhortation “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” But perhaps for some of us, this is a step too far; let us start with asking what you can do for yourself.

To put this in better context, this was originally posted at Herz for President, but I realize the call to action is to our personal lives, with a hope that the personal realization of our hopes and dreams will lead to a bolder and greater future for society as a whole.

It's not the first time I've heard this advice, but Mr. Bezos states it so elegantly. What choice will you be sure not to regret when you are eighty?

The impression we make matters. For the times we've got to wear a suit, we should make sure we look good in one. Here's a great graphic to help us do just that. And when a suit fits as it should, it just feels better.