David Herz, Coach

Wyron A

What is [sic] unconditional love's greatest errors?

I disagree with your premise. There is no issue with loving unconditionally. There is issue in being stupid and letting yourself be manipulated because of your love.

For instance, a child needs limits. If a parent doesn't provide them, he's not loving his child, he's abdicating his responsibility. Do you have any idea what it takes to not cave to a child at certain times? But I'd argue you are not loving your child if you do.

How about not enabling a junkie if that's your m.o? Or holding the hand of someone who's dying? Or letting a person make his own mistakes? And being ready to not be right about it?

So yes, love unconditionally, but be wise, be straight, be forthright, be responsible for your word.

I consider myself an entrepreneur at heart but have never had the guts to start anything because I am a mom and need to be responsible. Am I kidding myself into thinking I have what it takes to run my own business?

Yes and no. Without a plan and actions, you are just a dreamer.

On the other hand, all it takes is one steady customer to be running a business. It might be a very very small business, but it's a world away from dreamer.

You don't need business cards, or a website, or a fancy graphic, or a special office.

You need a customer. Create a plan to get one. JUST ONE. It's best if your plan includes an accountability system, whether a friend, a coach, or a committee (I love the Shaquille O'Neal Interview on Art of Charm on this).

You need small actions, consistently. You're a mom, but you can make one phone call a day to ask for business at a set time every day. That's 365 calls. If one in a hundred says, “Yeah, I'll work with you,” that's 3.6 customers a year.

I trust that once you have the customer, you'll find the time to take care of him.

And switch how you think of things. If you see yourself as an entrepreneur, and you are not taking the actions, you are not being responsible already. In fact, you are modelling appalling behavior. Do you want your kids to just think/dream about stuff, or do you want them to go out and get it?

And in today's world, it can get scary to have to rely on one, or even two, jobs. But if you've got your own business, properly run, and have a decent plan for your future, you've got one heck of a shock absorber if other things go off the rails.

And if you are still stopped, I highly recommend a session with a coach, myself or my wife of course, Schedule Me I also highly recommend doing a course called the Landmark Forum. It's about getting clear of the conversations we have with ourselves that keep us getting in our own ways.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety all my life and I just can't seem to get it together. I don't understand why I'm so pathetic? Will it get better?

If it's clinical, seek professional help. But do the work to find the therapist that works for you.

If it's not, give up that you are pathetic. Pathetic is a conclusion you draw based on the facts you see and the weight you give them. Other people have accomplished more, other people have different talents, other people have been motivated differently by their experiences. Other people just seem to be motivated.

I think you've got a good shot at making it better if you take the focus off yourself and start asking different questions, something like these:

• What could I do to make the people around me smile today?
• How could I contribute to the lives of those around me?
• What bothers me in the world? Is there an action I could take to make it better?
• Who has the life I want? What can I do to meet that person?
• What is the life I want? What step could I take today to make that possible?
• How could I do this (whatever it is you are doing) better? How can I bring excellence to the task at hand?
• How can I alleviate one person's pain or suffering today?
• What can I do to take care of my parents/siblings/grands/best friends, even my enemies?

What I am suggesting is that you find something that means something to you and then you figure out what you can do to carry it forward. And as you get busy doing this, your current concerns will simply become irrelevant, or at least bother you less.

I'm a boring and extremely shy and ugly 24 year old girl. I have very low self-esteem. I cry everyday for being myself. Is it possible for me to have a boyfriend?

It's probably not possible for you to have a healthy relationship in your current state of mind, but this one is all on you.

It's not your job to determine if you are enough for someone else. That's for them.

Your job is to be enough for yourself, and if there is something about yourself that you don't like, go and change it. Get interested in something, and you will be interesting, and it doesn't matter if it's particle physics or plumbing.

If you don't like the way you look, change it, or at least learn how to present at your best.

There are plenty of people who aren't “good looking” who are plenty attractive. It's because they don't put the attention on themselves.

Stop looking at yourself. Look instead at how you can make a difference in the world. Then go do it. You'll find your current question becomes irrelevant.

Max-Jakob Beer

I've been seeing a man for 4 months. He said, “Well, I mean I like you and I love your personality.” Doesn't my personality make me who I am? What does he even mean by that?

It means he enjoys your company, but doesn't, at least at the moment, see this going the distance.

Or it means he has no balls and is not willing to commit.

If you care enough to get him out of his idiot fantasy, you might ask him, “What would true love look like to you?” I'm guessing at the bottom of it is some Hollywood sweep him off his feet fantasy. Mostly, love doesn't work that way. Even with the “being swept off your feet,” at some point it comes down to the work you put into a relationship.

I'd want to know if he's willing to give up the fantasy (look at how successful Hollywood marriages are anyway), declare that he loves you, wholly and completely, as you are and as you are not (and I'm deliberately avoiding the word feeling here), and then live and act into that declaration.

In other words, is he willing to grow up, be with the great person in front of him, and commit to creating a life with her/you?