David Herz, Coach

Hello Dear and Beautiful People:

I am sorry for the somewhat more general format, but I've a number of people to reach and this I hope will be an efficient way to do that. And for the non-Jews, there's a Jewish bias in this missive, but you are more than welcome to come to this introduction.

So first, I acknowledge you all for the diffferences you choose to make in people's lives, whether it's just the work you do to be a parent, taking care of a parent or spouse, being the shoulder and support for your family, working on your marriages, working on creating normal lives when things have transitioned in unexpected ways, showing up at a Minyan, joining the CSS, opening your houses to me and other odd folk, educating, healing, taking the time to make yourselves and the world a better place, the comfort you provide, I could actually go on a long time here.

A lot of people show up for me here, and each of the above was directed at many of you personally.

So I am writing today because I've gotten a lot of value out of the work I've done at a company called Landmark Worldwide, which offers a series of personal development courses, the basic one being the Landmark Forum.

The Landmark Forum is a three day (and an evening) exploration into the conversations we have mostly with ourselves, mostly undistinguised, and how we invent them and then let them run our lives, obviously with great positive effect given where we've all gotten, but sometimes with less than salutary effect.

When we appreciate these conversations, and where they can get in the way, we find we have new paths and choices available to us, and create a space for more power, ease, freedom, self-expression, peace of mind.

And for some, the world shifts in massive ways, and for some it's just a shift in how we relate to what we've got. It will move your life forward in the areas that are important to you.

I'm having this introduction now because the course is being offered in a few weeks on a Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, completing Thursday evening. This is rare, like years between these. It's usually over Shabbat, and impossible for the religious jew as it's at the moment Zoom based.

So please, if any of what I've shared speaks to you, and I haven't shared anything here (I'm running out of time before Shabbat), or who I happen to be in the world makes a difference for you (I credit Landmark with most of the good stuff), show up for the Introduction.

Bring something from your life that doesn't work or isn't working the way you'd like it to, something important, like that would make a difference if you saw somethng new there. We'll have an exercise, explain what the course is about, and invite you to register. Have your calendar and credit card on hand so that you are not frustrated if this turns out to be what you want.

The cost of the Landmark Forum is $675. THe evening is without cost or obligation.

The promise is that you see something that makes a difference for you, whether you register or not.

Please let me know if you can make it, and I'll follow with a Zoom link for the intro.

Thanks so much. I love you all.

David R. Herz

Why do I always feel like an outsider in this world and life and like I just want the torment to end?

Because you are human and you are spending too much time looking inward.

Some people will always feel like outsiders. Your problem is that you give this importance, and are tormented because you feel it should be otherwise.

On the other hand, it sounds like you do want to engage with people and have meaningful human contact. This you can generate quickly.

I don't know why this comes up, but Tony Robbins, from one of his events sent people to a local mall to offer people hugs. My son has walked around with a “Free Hugs” sign attached to his shirt. If you're adventurous, or really want the torment to end without offing yourself, give it a shot.

But if you want to go more slowly, find any local agency that deals with seniors, homeless, under-fed, abused, and volunteer to deliver care packages, spend time, etc. You will quickly find there is a whole world of people out there who would be tickled for a little bit of your attention. Talk to your local religious leader: he will always know who could use a hand or an ear in your community.

You might not get rid of feeling an outsider where you think you want to be an insider, but you will certainly find meaningful interaction, love, laughs, tears, and the full range of things that makes humanity human.

And life will suddenly seem a lot more tolerable.

Q: How should I communicate with my boyfriend when he said he needs a break from this relationship? Should I stop messaging him, or what is the rule?

You should negotiate that with him. The only rules here are the ones you set between each other.

You might want to ask for one more conversation before he goes (because breaks often are endings) so that you can ask exactly what he thinks he needs a break from, but only do this if you can really give him the space to share what’s there for him. Use it as an opportunity to learn so you can be better in the next relationship:

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Every now and then you come across a quote that is worth sharing, and this is the one I found today:

New Seeds of Contemplation

by Thomas Merton

“What is serious to men is often very trivial in the sight of God. What in God might appear to us as “play” is perhaps what He Himself takes most seriously. At any rate the Lord plays and diverts Himself in the garden of His creation, and if we could let go of our own obsession with what we think is the meaning of it all, we might be able to hear His call and follow Him in His mysterious, cosmic dance. We do not have to go very far to catch echoes of that game, and of that dancing. When we are alone on a starlit night; when by chance we see the migrating birds in autumn descending on a grove of junipers to rest and eat; when we see children in a moment when they are really children; when we know love in our own hearts; or when, like the Japanese poet Basho, we hear an old frog land in a quiet pond with a solitary splash--at such times the awakening, the turning inside out of all values, the “newness,” the emptiness and the purity of vision that make themselves evident,provide a glimpse of the cosmic dance.

“For the world and time are the dance of the Lord in emptiness. The silence of the spheres is the music of a wedding feast. The more we persist in misunderstanding the phenomena of life, the more we analyze them out into strange finalities and complex purposes of our own, the more we involve ourselves in sadness, absurdity, and despair. But it does not matter much, because no despair of ours can alter the reality of things, or stain the joy of the cosmic dance which is always there. Indeed, we are in the midst of it, and it is in the midst of us, for it beats in our very blood, whether we want it to or not.

“Yet the fact remains that we are invited to forget ourselves on purpose, cast our awful solemnity to the winds and join in the general dance.”

If he says you are ugly and not good enough for him, I'd take on that he's not good enough for you.

Look around you. You could find a reason to consider almost every person out there ugly. You could also find genius in each one if you look.

If you don't see the beautiful when you look at yourself, you're not looking for the right thing.

We tend to be harsh judges of ourselves, and that's a shame for the world. Don't do that. Let your beauty out. Someone out there will appreciate it, and want to celebrate it with you over the long term, if that's what you want.

Let this one go. No, cast him aside. He's not worth your time, which is the only thing you can not get back in life.