David Herz, Coach

So today I have taken up Scott Dinsmore's “Start a Blog Writing Challenge.” He doesn't mind if those who have already got one join in. But as this is a coaching blog, I'll of course tie it to being a better human.

So what makes me angry about the world is always a function of how people relate to the world and each other. I've one specific case in mind which affects me personally and is particularly relevant at this time of the Jewish New Year. In this case someone had a beef with something I do (if you must know, it's that I like to run around barefooted; I figure if I have to see every other Israeli's rotten feet in pieces of rubber strapped to their feet, what's the big dif if I don't bother at all).

Well apparently the big dif is that my unshod feet offend someone. But that person didn't tell me. He told someone else, with instructions that affect me. But that person didn't tell me either. He told someone else to tell me.

Now I am not one to get violent, and when I am upset, I usually just end up muttering about how stupid I think something is (or someone is), and maybe I go vent by writing another blog post; so I don't get why these two couldn't just come and talk to me.

So what's been pissing me off is that people have no balls, and now I'm the one holding a grudge; so now I need to step up and ask these people who have been pissing me off for forgiveness because I am angry and frustrated with them for not being straight with me.

And as a coach, I want to find some pithy lesson in this to share with you, and I just can't find it. “Don't be angry?” Well, I am angry, but I guess I should just share it and maybe something will be resolved, and maybe not, but with any luck, I'll be able to let it go.

So I was talking to a coach of mine yesterday. I am really blessed to have so many of them. She works for a personal development company. We got to talking about our fathers, because that's what you do when you are assisting at a personal development company, and I asked her what is the inauthenticity for which she has not been taking responsibility in the relationship with her father — because that's the way we talk at personal development companies. She saw something for herself, and promised to be in communication with him on Friday.

I suggested that she should get together with him right away, tonight (which was last night), and share and have a beer with him. She mentioned that he lives two hours away. I told her I'd get her most of the way there, or they could meet at a midpoint, say Haifa. She mentioned work tomorrow (now today) and I suggested that she just be ready to call in drunk. Even better, she could talk to her boss and ask permission to go for a beer or a pitcher, or two, with her dad, and perhaps roll in a few hours later the next day.

Now while I wouldn't advocate this as a daily practice, it occurred to me that life occurs now; sometimes tomorrow is just too late. Sometimes we just want to share our love and a laugh with the people who are closest to us. Sometimes that occurs to us at the most wildly inappropriate times. But if we don't take a break from “life” to live our lives, then what the heck is life for?

In this case, I mean really, she works for a personal development company that promises people living transformed lives. If I were her boss, and she called in drunk saying she just had to transform her relationship with her dad, I think I'd have to give her a pass. Having relationships in her life work would certainly make her more powerful at her job. I mean that's what her job is about.

Now this isn't to say that we should not be responsible in our lives. Rather, when we find ourselves called to certain actions, we should not put them off as lightly as we are accustomed to do. Life happens now, not at some time in the future. Sometimes it's just appropriate to seize on that which presents itself.

And if you are the “boss” reading this and wondering about the loss of control and order, I'd say those things were likely illusory anyway. People call in sick and we sometimes know damned well they are just strung out or hung over. If we give our employees the space to call in drunk — in other words, actually tell the truth — they might just find the truth serves them in other parts of their jobs as well.

So I have actually had this post running in my mind for a few days already, but it seems to have taken second place to all sorts of silly time-suckers, facebook, Spider Solitaire, checking my e-mail, working on some documents for a Limited Partnership, looking at stocks to invest in, etc.

So, in the spirit of new beginnings, after blowing another hour and a half watching 200 Cigarettes (I thought it was great, by the way, but if you were interested, you'd have probably seen it 14 years ago), and wondering if this new beginning isn't starting out looking a lot like that which I am supposedly putting behind, I share with you this week's thoughts.

I have three of them. One, I can't help you if you don't want to help yourself, with the corollary “I suppose I should help myself.” Two, I've got plenty of ways to help you help yourself, and it's time to outline some of them in one place I can refer people to instead of writing a new e-mail every time I see that someone in my world is up to something new. Three, promises, promises. I don't know if I am going to make any new ones here (who am I kidding; it's a new year; of course I will), but I should probably get present to the impact that not keeping them has had in my life and take a look at what I can do to keep from kicking myself in the head.

help thyself

I've been doing business with a friend of mine for some years. He's got some things on his plate at the moment, including breakdowns around his business, his relationship with his daughter, and his health. But he also has a commitment to make a difference. Around his health, he's altered his diet, he's taken on walking every day, and he has me call him to keep him present to his commitment. Around his relationships, he sees that he doesn't have the most objective perspective. He shares with me, and lets me imagine for him what is going on on his daughter's side so that he can be responsible for how he leaves her. His business we're working on. What strikes me is that our conversations are about actions that can forward his objectives.

I have a coach through a program I am taking. A little while ago, she announced that she is looking to change her work. I have contacted her four or five times, via SMS, e-mail, and phone. She says she'll get back to me. Another great coach of mine said she wants to get in better shape, and mentioned her diet. I forwarded a bunch of material about diet — this is also an area in which I have some knowledge — via e-mail. Perhaps in time she'll also get back to me. These people, actually fairly powerful in their lives, talk about their wants rather than action.

It's occurring to me that a lot of the people who say they want to change things aren't too committed to change. Instead, they want to complain, or whine, or get some sympathy. I don't want to be one of those. The way not to be one of those is to be in action. So my first question of the year is what actions are you going to take?

work and the world of action

I start you with my friend James Altucher, and particularly his advice for people out of work, and then follow his link to the full daily practice.

As to your dream, start with Scott Dinsmore's http://liveyourlegend.net. You want to go straight to his 27 questions and give yourself a two hour window to complete them. His philosophy by the way is that you are the average of the people you spend the most time with. You want to make sure you are hanging with people who will empower you to win. More on that below.

When you've completed that, I also recommend Shawn Achor's Secret to Better Work. This is a twelve and a half minute video, but it provides great advice, particularly around eleven minutes in.

I also love Ramit Sethi. He's got some great courses to help you fulfil what you want in life, but his web site is also chock full of free stuff.

Other muses include Liz Seda who will share with you her Life Lover's Guide to the Galaxy, and Tim Ferriss, who provides a particularly effective set of tools to hack life.

It’s really easy to get overwhelmed watching and going through – or as I tend to do watching and avoiding actually doing – what these people recommend. Don’t do that. Pick one item, give it a set time a day, and do that. If you want a support group, hook up with a Live Your Legend meetup, or create one of your own.

If you want me to be a part of your structure to win in 2014, my services are available. Just drop me a line at coach@theherzes.com, and we'll make this a year you won't forget.

promises, grace, and forgiveness

If you want to win this year, which I am clear that you do, you'll want a powerful structure. There's nothing more likely to suck the power from a person than a commitment unfulfilled. The problem with so many New Year's resolutions is that they are just empty commitments. People — that includes you — will show up to meet a trainer or a friend at the gym. We'll go to amazing lengths to help out a friend. My most constant reminder when I stray from my diet is my children, and I am truest to my diet when I am out with others.

But left to my own devices, I am much more prone to hit a snooze button, to put the exercise off for later, and to simply conclude that I'm not cut out for what I said I want. With a little push, the right friends, or the right context, we can do pretty much anything. I've had this blog for more than a year. It's only when I took on Scott Dinsmore's Creator's Guild that a post started showing up here every week.

To keep our promises, we should also treat ourselves with good favor, grace. When we fail to keep our word (you'll notice this post is two days late), we needn't make ourselves wrong. Instead, we can just look at our circumstances, acknowledge where we strayed from our path (200 Cigarettes, for instance), notice the impact (the first thing I said to myself was “great way to screw up a new year”), forgive ourselves (I've done this twice already just with this post), make a new promise, and actually keep it.

So my first promise — and I realize this doesn't really follows from the above — is to be a partner to my wife and to let her into the places that I haven't until now. Since she is going to read this, I'm sure she'll take it upon herself to remind me when I'm not.

Happy New Year

This post is about being ready. About two years ago, I heard that one of my neighbors was planning to run the marathon in Tiberias. I figured if he could do it, so could I. I am in pretty decent shape. I've got a rowing machine. I use it. I can sit down and row a marathon; so I figured I should be able to run one without too much difficulty. My first run was three kilometers, my next one six, a longer distance than I'd ever run to that point in my life. I got to nine, twelve, took a two week break to paint and do some work at my parents house and play cards and smoke cigarettes with my mom, came back and worked my way up to 24 kilometers a week or so before the race.

I ran the Marathon in 5 hours and 12 minutes. I figured if I was going to run that one, I might as well run Jerusalem and Tel Aviv as well. I finished those too. I couldn't help signing up for Tiberias again this year. I just wanted to see if I could beat my time (I didn't). Not that any of these results are really relevant to this post, but I'm proud of them.

In the run up to the Tiberias marathon, I learned about a half-marathon that's run in the Bet Shean area. It stuck in my head as one I had to do. Now there is no way I could have done a half in Tiberias. In my mind it's just weenie to run a half when there's a whole available. But that's why Bet Shean appealed to me. I wouldn't be wanking out if I ran just a half when that's all there is.

I signed up seventy something days out. I knew it was on the schedule. I really really planned to practice for it. I got out and ran five kilometers. It hurt. I ran three. It wasn't great either. I ran three, rowed two, ran five, rowed two. I survived. I kept planning when I'd run, what intervals, what days. None of that happened. Somehow I knew I could run the race. I wasn't interested in being the fastest, just finishing. And that's what I did. After five kilometers of pain and doubt, I just kept putting one foot before the other and made it to the finish line in 2:28:43.

So in the realm of turning this experience into an inspiring blog post, I invite you - and myself of course - to turn the race into a metaphor for life. People appear to be impressed when I say I've run a marathon. But I don't think it's the marathon that impresses them. I think it's that I did what I said I would.

People say I'd love to (put your special thing in here), but then we don't make it happen. The truth is anyone of us could run our race. We just don't. We don't even start. Think of it this way:

Your boss says “People having breakthrough results in their personal lives is good for our business.” You say “I want to lose some weight, maybe run a 5k.” She says “Great, we'll only offer healthy fare at the company cafeteria. You'll have sausage and eggs for breakfast, a chunk of some fatty animal product for lunch, then you go up to the gym for a forty five minute workout with our personal trainer. After work, we'll send you home with a prime rib steak for dinner."

I can't imagine too many people who wouldn't see some results in this scenario. But most bosses don't say this. So it's up to us to make it happen for ourselves. I think it's worth our while to notice what conversations we have with ourselves that keep us from having what we want. It's usually something about circumstances over which we claim we have no control, often starting with “when,” things like when I have more time, or save up some money, when the busy season ends, and so on.

The truth is it's only the right time when you say it is. And usually, when you say it is, the universe lines up to help you along. No matter how much you prepare, you could always have prepared more or started sooner. But if you put yourself in the race, and show up at the starting line, you might just find that you've already got what it takes to finish. You might have some cramps and pains along the way, but it's only a handful of people that get taken away in an ambulance, and you are not going to be one of them.

So I was on the phone with my mom last night. As most people who know me know, I spend quite a bit of time at Landmark. It is the context out of which I run my life when my life is working. At the moment I am in the Introduction Leaders Program (the ILP). This is a program I am doing for the fourth time. The first time around, I met my wife and gave myself permission to be in a great relationship. I also connected to the wireless world (I got a pager; that was a big deal for me at the time). The second time around I got to choose Sharleen all over again, become a teacher, and go back on the stage, acting in my first play since law school. The third time around, I took a four day trip to Germany - I was applying for a job - and reconnected with one of my cousins in Germany, and have been connecting with much more of my family since.

Along the way I have opened and closed law offices, saved a synagogue that was on the verge of financial collapse, passed a few more bar exams, qualified as a lawyer in a second country, home-schooled a child for three years, built some furniture, fixed a lot of stuff (my parents' house, cars, bicycles, computers, a lawnmower, a KitchenAid), rowed more than 12 million meters, run four and a half marathons, run for political office a number of times, taken on my religion, moved to another country, learned another language, raised four amazing kids (thousands of meals, dishes, games), etc.

But that's just some of the fun I had. Courtesy of Landmark, I make a profound difference in people's lives, and the impact has rippled out to thousands of people in the years since I first participated in the Landmark Forum.

For all that, I have often been un(der)employed, and have too often reached the end of a day feeling “I'd got nothing done.” I am exiting one of these phases at the moment. I have a program, a coach, a number of new friends who are committed to my success, and admittedly a bit of work to do and a number of habits to take on to carry things forward.

So, what does all of this have to do with my mom? I invited her yesterday to do the ILP. Her response was “I'll do it when you get a job.” Then she started going off on my lack of integrity. There was a time this might have plugged me in (my wife reminded me of $50 for an A), but I was actually amused.

$50 fiascoIn the fifth and sixth grades, I was in a special program the City of Stamford Schools had created called “Project Explore.” As part of this program, on Thursdays and Fridays, we were bussed from our school across town to the Springdale School, where the program took place.
By the sixth grade, being out of my regular class that much caused me some difficulty. I didn't know what was going on a lot of the time, I didn't know how to ask, and I essentially hid behind my clipboard. I came back with a report card of Ns (for Non-Satisfactory) and Us (Un-Satisfactory).
Since I was obviously lacking in motivation - as opposed to say lost and confused - my mother figured I needed an incentive. She offered be $50.00 for each E (Excellent; this is about $250 in 2013 dollars) and $25.00 for each S (Satisfactory). The conversation I had with myself was something like “Oh, apparently the grades are more important than I am. Well if that's how it is, you can stuff it with your damned grades, and your lousy $50 too.”
I pretty much gave up on school that day, and from a grades standpoint, I became a middling student at best.

It took me a long time to appreciate that I love to learn, and there's great value in giving my best, and no shame in having a great grade that can go with that.

So being present to the mess I'd made in the past, I got how ridiculous the attempt to link my work to her doing the program. Landmark's programs are about empowering people in fulfilling what's important to them in their lives. I want her to do the program for her. If what's important for her is my having a job, she might find tools here to enroll me in the possibility that represents for her, but the path of bribery/extortion has never been a good one to take with me, and anyway, why should her fulfilling what she wants in her life be tied to some circumstance in mine.

That said, I can also get that a solid steady job might be a good thing for me at the moment. But if it comes along, I won't take it - or not - because that's the key to my mother doing something, and I won't use it to force her to do the ILP, although I might use it as a lever to get her out to an introduction. I'll take it because it fulfills me, and I won't worry if it fulfills her in some way at the same time.

So this week's invitation is to notice where you get stuck in conversations that have nothing to do with you, that you let stop you and get in the way in your life. Don't do it. It's not worth your life, and in the end it's your life with which you'll pay.