David Herz, Coach

It's Tuesday, and I've a hundred unfinished ideas that are not ready for a post, but it's Tuesday and it's my day for a post; so I'll write, and I'll keep my word, and I'll win my game.

Because here's the thing. Even if this isn't my best work, getting it out is how I win. And I'm learning that winning is what keeps me going and playing harder and better next time. And one of my games is to post once a week.

Another of the games I am playing right now is rowing three million meters this Concept2 ranking year, which runs May 1 to April 30. I took it on last year as well, and failed miserably. Last year I started alright, but every time I missed a day, three million loomed larger until I gave up. I ended last year just over a million meters.

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I've mentioned the folks at Lavi Furniture Industries. I pray at a pew built there. Our synagogue has grown, and my pew is a more recent purchase. It's in the style of the previous pews, but it's not the same color as the old ones. I asked our synagogue warden and was informed that the old color was just not available and this was the closest they had.

I had a little trouble getting my mind around the idea that the company couldn't put in an order for a few gallons of the color and finish they once supplied. But I have since learned that not being bothered seems to be part of the company culture.

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So I received a comment in an e-mail this week:

You confirm exactly what's wrong with most people doing coaching – a lot of presumptuousness despite a surprising lack of success in their previous endeavors.

In the past, a comment like this might have sent me reeling for a week. For all my training, it's only been a very short time since I've come to embrace the notion that the only way I can fail is if I fail to act in the first place. Until I came around to this, wow, would I have identified with his statement. I would have felt exposed, and I would have crawled under a rock to hide.

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Inside of an assignment to “pay attention to what I am paying attention to,” I noticed I am often run by an internal conversation about scarcity.

This showed up when my coach broached the subject of virtual assistants, his point being that if I can do work I love that pays well, why would I do work I like less that someone else would do for a fraction of my own rates.

My first reaction was that I like taking care of my kids, but then I noticed that I easily spend an hour attached to the kitchen every day. If I spent those six hours coaching people, I could afford to have someone do all my cooking for me. Heck if I re-tasked the hours I spend waiting on lines, chasing sales, getting a better price, agonizing over whether I can afford the next tool or program, I could afford a live-in, a newer car, and I'd have more time for the family as well.

And as I look wider, this is a pretty big theme in my life. I've lost count of the opportunities I've passed over because there wasn't the time or the money (I've never been that poor). I hoard stuff because you never know when you might need it. I rescue abandoned books, I return deposit bottles. I even used to water my garden with bath water. Now I don't water it at all since the kids don't take baths anymore.

This isn't to say there isn't something to be said for “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle,” but I seem to take it to absurd lengths. There is always an opportunity cost, but I am thrown to dismiss that (that's the internal dialogue), probably because I don't place the appropriate value on the moments in my life.

The result of all this is that my history is full of moments that could have been but for a yes that never came. I've seen two posts this week on the topic. Ramit Sethi has embraced taking on a Quest. James Altucher has asked if we are getting enough high stakes moments.

These can only come when I say yes, especially when that scares me, when I put myself at risk, and allow myself to be less than perfect, when I admit that I am human and that my “failures” are how I learn, not who I am (and I've spent altogether too much time here).

And when I say yes to myself, I must sometimes say no to someone else. When I don't value my moments, I forget to say no. I give them away in ways that don't carry me where I want to go. And that's a shame, because those are the moments in which I can take my castles in the air and plant them on the ground.

And last, thank you. It's Veterans Day and Thanksgiving is around the corner. For all who stood to protect us and give us the world we live in, Thank You. For the providence that brought us here, Thank You. And for this moment and those still before me, Thank You.

And for those who could use a little help saying yes, or no, or thank you, I invite you to start today. Contact me, and we'll see what we can do about planting your castles.

So a client of mine is looking for work, and there is a position available that is a great fit for her. There is a particular process for applying, and the competition can be stiff; so we looked at what can give her the edge.

We realized a personal connections to the hiring committee would make a difference. She could get a better sense of what the committee wants, and position herself as the person best suited to provide that.

So she started looking, and quickly found two people with connections in the right places. She was really proud (as she should be) and sent me a message that she just asked one to "help out." If you take a moment to think about that request though, it is unlikely to get her much help, and might even work against her.

She didn't actually ask this person to do any specific thing. Maybe he'll pick up the phone, speak to his contacts, and call my client back with a bunch of information she already has, and feel that he has already "helped." When she gets around to making a specific request, he might realize it was more than he had expected and not come through, or feel like he's already done his part.

The first thing she needs is a plan. She needs to know what is necessary for the application and by when. Then she can make a list of the things she might want to know: who are the various stakeholders, who is on the selection committee, what are they seeking, what is going on inside the department, what do people wish would be there, what people will most miss in the person she is replacing, just to throw out a handful.

Next, she should look to see what her friend can provide, and when it would make the most impact. Only then should she approach him and ask him to help, and the request should look something like this:

Dear J:
I'll be applying to X in 6 weeks. It's a really great job and I think you could make a huge difference in my getting it.

[Here she should state what she'll want him to do, and when, and to be as specific as she can.]

Can I count on you to help me make that contact for me in about two weeks time?

This way, she can get him to commit to a specific action without him actually having to do anything right away. He'll have a sense of what's expected and will know when he is going to be receiving the call. We've set it up so it's easy for him to say yes. It's far enough out that it's not creating any immediate stress, yet close enough that it will not be forgotten when the call comes.

Incidentally, in getting him to say yes now, she'll have gotten him to make what marketers call a micro-commitment, which will up the chance that he'll follow throught on the next step.

So let's take a look at what makes the difference. The help must be defined. When it has a size and shape, it can be realistically related to. The action requested should be discrete, set in time, and given a context. So my suggestion is that she share with her friend her plan, let him know what part she'd like him to play, and let him know what it means to her.

When he says yes, she should not only thank him, but ask him what she can do to support him in getting it done: would a reminder help, should she draft an e-mail for him, provide him a call script, etc. She should also ask him if he's got any ideas. While it might make sense to run the action as much as possible, he shouldn't feel run, and he might just come up with a gem she hadn't thought of.

Not sure what action to take next? Want help taking the next step forward? You might want to Consider Coaching. I'll help you get clear so that you can be in action on the things that matter most to you. If you are interested, click the contact link above and send me a quick message.