David Herz, Coach

I spoke to a mother last night. I'll call her M. She's been going through a rough patch with her only son, whom I'll call A. A is all of ten years old, but has gotten into some rather inappropriate sexual content and related behavior recently. A social worker got involved. M and A met with a therapist. A said he'd love to talk with the therapist every day.

Anyway, my experience with M is that she comes from a behaviorist model (think Carrot and Stick, or B. F. Skinner if you are a little more familiar) when trying to raise A. There are a lot of shoulds, a lot of conditions, and a lot of consequences. It all comes from a good place. A child should read, I agree, but it takes the joy out when reading is a pre-condition to playing on his Wii. The thing is M doesn't often pick up a book herself. So reading is probably seen by A as a chore that must be done before he can enjoy himself.

Let's put it in perspective. I was in honors English most of my high school career. There were a lot of books that we were supposed to read. Often, I didn't (Monarch and Cliff provided an alternative), and I certainly didn't see sinking into a couch with an assigned book as any sort of pleasure. Now, I read a lot. In fact, I've picked up a lot of the books that I was supposed to read since then, and actually like them. Many are brilliant. They evoke emotions now they didn't then. I have a bookshelf in my bathroom with all manner of books. They all give me something to think about and often a perspective I didn't have before. They might have done that in high school as well, but I don't recall that being my experience. And it might be that that experience primed me to be able to enjoy the books as I do today.

But I think it's more likely the hours I spent in my mother’s lap with books like "The Diggingest Dog" and "Das Auto Hier Heisst Ferdinand" and the model of the constant reading of my father, and later my wife, that rekindled in me the notion that reading could itself be the source of pleasure.

But I digress. I don't think a consequences world is a lot of fun. It's not like we don't have resort to them. Our whole criminal code is based on this model. But I don't think it's really what keeps people from committing crimes, or at least I hope not. What does is the good value system of most of the folks we share our society with. And a lot of us learn the message underneath the carrot and stick approach in spite of it, but This is the Hard Way. At least it's the harder way in the end. And unfortunately, some of us learn from the carrot and stick approach that power and fear are the basis of human relations. Devoid of a loving context, this is probably a good primer for sociopathic behavior.

I think in M and A's case, the love is present, but I think the approach gives a mixed message. I'm convinced that the main thing a child needs to experience is that his parent always has his back, but that's food for another discussion.

So, M saw pajamas she thought A would like. She bought them for him. He's been excited for days about them. M said it was nice, but this isn't what she expected. And I saw it from a different place. Here's a kid who is in a bit of a spot because of inappropriate behavior. His mother talks about it in his presence. Living a Carrot and Stick life, he might expect some negative consequence. That didn't happen. Instead, his mom bought him a gift just because.

It might even be that part of his behavior was a test. I think kids in this kind of place are often testing if their parents are really there for them.

The pajamas might have been an accident, but it sent exactly the right message at the right time. She passed the test without even knowing it. I suggested this to M. And I hope I can work with her some more to make sure this is the message A continues to get. M said things are different now, and for the better. The thing is that mindful parents can continue to send this message and have this experience with just a little bit of work.

And it might be a bit harder up front, but I think it makes the rest of raising a child a much easier experience.

And if you need some help creating this context with your child, reach out and we'll see what we can do to create your Pajamas moment, or a life full of them.

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Sharleen and I came upon a group of children. One had said something. Another had taken it as an insult and wanted to take it out of the first one's hide. Others were keeping the insulted one back from his target. We looked. We weren't happy with what they were doing. I suggested we stay out of this. Sharleen chose to engage.

Speaking to them, the tension did abate, but both kids remained upset, with the speaker crying, and the insulted one walking off upset. The father of the insulted one then appeared on the scene. I don't know who asked what happened, but he answered "parents between kids," suggesting that Sharleen was meddling and kids are better left to sort these things out on their own.

This is why I didn't want to engage. I pulled a kid back from another in retreat on another occasion. I took him back to his mother. She gave me an earful about how I should not get between children when they are sorting these things out.

And there is a wisdom to this viewpoint. We do all need to learn how to get along in society. But sometimes we also need guidance.

So I was pissed. I tend toward a zero tolerance policy when it comes to violence, but so does the law. Between adults, we call this assault. When I engage, I am rebuked by parents. When I do not, I fail to raise a child and miss an opportunity to shape the community my child will grow up in. I feel like I am being spit on for giving a shit.

So tonight I was on a call with Seth Ellsworth. I don't know how it was connected, but when I got off that call I realized something.

I am right.

I thought about my neighbor with the brain damaged child, the one who walked off while unsupervised and fell into a pool. For a moment I thought "There but for the grace of G-d go I," but then I realized this is bullshit. The truth is I don't go there by my own grace, by the fact that I was and am an involved parent who would not have let his two year old alone to walk off and fall in a pool.

A child absolutely needs his freedom and to be able to explore his boundaries, but there is nothing wrong with setting some limits along the way. And expecting a child to keep from beating up on another is an entirely reasonable place to draw the line. It's just like me not clobbering this dad for blaming my wife. I'd prefer parents teach their kids respect so they don't form a fist in the first place, but teaching them to keep their hands off is at least a decent start.

So I haven't been keeping my word as well as I'd like to. I haven't written here with the frequency I've promised. I haven't generated the business I want. I haven't taken all the actions that align with my stated commitments.

I have a client I am coaching. He knows this about me. I don't give him much slack when he doesn't keep his own promises. This really annoyed him recently, so we are taking a “break."

There is something in what he says. While I do keep my promises to my clients, I lose credibility when I do not walk the walk, when I give myself permission to not keep my word, mostly to myself, but sometimes to those closest to me as well.

I know there is power in keeping my word, especially in those circumstances where I really don't want to, or something “better” comes along. And still, I don't. But that doesn't negate the value. My client knows I don't have the life I want. He also knows that this is, in large part, because I have not kept my promises to myself.

He sees the cost to me, but instead of taking the coaching, he uses my inaction to excuse breaking his own promise. He's up to some really big things. I am a stand that he have those. I believe this is possible inside of keeping his word.

He's willing to not have what he wants because I don't have what I want. While this might seem insane, I think it's a common type of insanity. We use something external to justify how we are, things like “My parents always fought; this is why I am not a great spouse.” “My teachers weren't so interested in learning; so I haven't learned how to learn.” “I was violated, I can not be free.” “I have lost; I must not _______ ever again.” The truth is none of these is connected. We see something, and we may use this to justify a choice, but the connection is our own fiction, an identity we create for ourselves.

We imply promises. We imply some social compact. And when our expectations are not met, we throw in the towel. Something happened leads to I'm justified in not having what I want or doing what I am committed to.

It doesn't need to be like this. I see this much more clearly now. No, I will not be writing weekly again. It's not my current promise. However, you should know this.

You should also know that I am always here for you, and I always bring the best of myself to my interactions with you. And in making a difference with you, I'll be making one with myself as well.

And when you are ready to powerfully build your new future (right now is the only time you will ever have by the way), schedule with me and you'll get it.

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To Get There, It Sometimes Helps to Know Where You are Going

At the moment this is for me a very provocative statement. I'll get to that later though.

I started with a new client this week. His is an unschooling family and they have a vision of getting out on the road, and living and loving and learning there.

This vision has been around for a while. They know how much a motor home costs, but don't think they are currently in a position to buy one and start rolling. On top of that, they have a house. They have certain expenses they need to make every month just to stay afloat. One has a business she's built up in a particular location that will not travel with her. In other words they are stuck.

Or are they? as my eldest would say. I like to say that people's problems are rarely ones of money, but rather ones of creativity. But all of this starts with a dose of reality. It might help if a person knows both where he is and where he is going if wants to set a path.

As I was looking with my client, something became clear. He looked at a life on the road and suggested it would be his current expenses, plus. He'd like to sell his house, but it has issues which must be addressed (which he can't afford to) before he can sell it. Catch-22, stuck again.

Or is he? I don't think so. Stuck exists in our minds. It's a convenient excuse for not doing the work to have what we want. It takes control outside of ourselves to some other circumstance that we can blame instead.

The point is my client isn't clear on what it takes to be on the road. Moreover, he's not clear on what he will save by not living in his house, or what the alternatives to selling it cost or can generate. And he's not clear on what he, and his wife, can generate in their lives under way.

And I think it's human to do this. We are at base animals. Animals have a will to survive. The unfamiliar poses a threat. We can't well calculate the risk. But we do want to survive. So we imbue the familiar with special power (selection bias?) and enlarge the threat in the unfamiliar.

But then we are also human. We strive for something more than survival. We strive for meaning and relevance. And now we must engage the rational to overcome the animal resistance to change, that is if we want to generate a new world which actually fulfills us.

In my client's case, it means writing down where he is, and where he wants to be, and then starting to take concrete steps to get there. And not being afraid to look at all the alternatives. Maybe if he just defaulted on his mortgage, he could squirrel away the money he needs to buy his motor home while he is living for free.

But I suggested this is a provocative statement for me. I'm working with a Cellular Energy Release Therapist at the moment, and inside of looking at a persistent symptom I am experiencing (a numbness in my face), she suggested that I am not pursuing what really matters to me, though mastery shows up in most of the places I play. Amy suggests I should be playing more in a creative field.

It's not hard for me to see that there is a creative side that isn't fully expressed, but when I look for myself, wow do I see a butload of circumstances that suggest that that's no path for me. And now I am noticing that maybe I am the one who is suffering from a lack of creativity. Ironic, isn't it.

So my challenge this week is writing down the places I think I'd like to go, and see if there isn't one that grabs my attention a little more than the others.

And if you find you are in a similar place, trying to forge the path forward, but not sure where you are going, or where you are, I am here to help:

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So I haven't written in a while. Actually, I haven't kept numerous promises to myself:

1. Post for my coaching blog by Tuesday: two Tuesdays missed.

2. Call three people a day to offer them an Introductory Session: reached out to one person in two weeks.

3. Finish a post for my e-mail madness and Sites that Win blogs: in process, but just not done.

4. Reach out to various other people I have promised to: looked up some contacts; didn't reach out.

5. Keep up on certain on-line coursework: Did some, but not on schedule in a powerful way.

6. Create another business that's bubbling in my head.

7. Comment on and engage in the politics.

As I look at this list, I also notice that I don't really have deadlines on a number of these things, and that some are ongoing so that even more structure is required to keep them in place. I've been avoiding building that structure. Even worse, I have been beating myself up for not taking the required steps, and letting other structures go to pot.

Last Concept II ranking year, I rowed three million meters on my rowing machine. That was like three out of five days. This year, I said I'd get out to bicycle. It's happened like four times in the past two months. I was eating better, but some how gave up knowing myself as a person who eats well, I've let that go to hell as well. I just about made myself sick with all the junk I ate yesterday.

So I am noticing a lack of urgency. And I am talking to my wife today (I do that sometimes), and we're looking at whether I am really playing any games I'd like to. And I think I'm scared of taking on any really big games (like changing the nature of education, society, and our political discourse), and therefore the little ones don't excite me much either. I am a great coach, but if all I ever am is a greater coach, or a more successful coach, I don't know if that would really excite me.

So instead, I run a lot on autopilot, and there's a lot in my autopilot that is pretty damned good. I think I take decent care of my wife and kids (though that's not enough either, and there are some big gaps there as well), and I do make a difference in the larger world. But mostly I fill my time being busy instead of intentional. I'm missing the plan to make the bigger intentions and dreams a reality, and even some of the smaller ones.

But that's not what I am committed to having. So I am going to go back to the fundamentals, and making sure I've got one win chalked up on the score card each day. It might not sound like much, and I'm pretty sure that as I start counting, I'll see I'm winning much more than that, but this is not my experience right now, and I think this is the biggest part of what's killing me.

So I'm bringing myself back to life. If you'd like my help doing the same, schedule a conversation with me. Use Coupon Code Yes-To-Life to pay one hundred dollars instead of the usual five.

And if you're not yet ready for that, you can still:

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