David Herz, Coach

What a great way to start the year. Mr. Donovan chooses himself to do the work he loves.

Dr. Ben Adkins of Fearless Social runs a call every December, “the Better Life Sequence,” to help people look forward and powerfully create their coming year. As he was sending around the replay for the 2016 call, he accidentally linked the 2015 call as well. I think he must have done this just for me.

The point of that call: You Must Have a “Why.” And money just doesn't cut it, especially for people trying to go it on their own. You have to address that Why in five areas: Family, Faith, Health, Work andHobbies. For each of these you should set three goals. For each goal, you must state why.

“Why is this so Stinking Important?”

In Ben's words:

• Something in your life is keeping you from being who you want to be.
• That you don’t have what you want is not because you lack information.
• It’s probably not a lack of action either.
• What’s missing is organization, focus & planning.
• We are not built to be good at these things.

So Why is this Really so Stinking Important?

Because we don’t know what makes us happy. We spin our wheels at all sorts of stuff not connected to what makes us happy. When we understand what makes us happy, we can actually set up our lives to create and achieve those things. We get the opportunity to make sure that we are honoring the things that make us happy, and scheduling those. When we do that, we actually wake up and know what needs to get done each day, and we are excited to do it because we know where it's going.

So here are mine:

• Family

  • Visit with three of my cousins: Because I miss them and I want to be more connected to my family.
  • Outing with Sharleen once a week: Because a relationship is either growing or dying, and we have a lot more fun when we are growing ours.
  • Outing with family at least once a month: Because they are growing up too fast and if we don’t make the moments now, we will miss them.

• Faith

  • Landmark: Connect with humanity’s good side, time with Sharleen
  • Altucher Podcasts: Remind me of bigness of people and what we can create
  • Political Activism: Remind me there is another conversation, and that all change starts with just one person.
• Health
  
  • 200 lbs. (91 kg.): Feel Good about myself; believe I can; be faster
  • Sugar, smoke and Coffee free: Live longer, be thinner, no headaches, indicator that I’m excited about life.
  • Politics: Being connected makes me feel better
• Work
  
  • 10k a month: Know that I can; Generate Belief in Myself
  • Help five people build their business: Validate that I can; make a difference
  • Buy three new pieces of Real Estate: Because I love to build stuff
• Hobbies
  
  • Politics: Because I want to rock the world and turn this into my profession at some point.
  • Finish Alfred’s Book 2, Guitar Book 1, Accordion Book 2, Mandolin 1: Bring Music into the World, get good at something, demonstrate that a little work consistently, over a long time will make something much better.
  • Build our House: I like to create and build.

Another Reason Why

The idea behind all this is that if you know your Why, and you focus on that, relentlessly, you will generate abundance. So what about all the crap you have to do that you don't want to. Well not doing that is another great reason Why. This suggests two more list that you should make. And they answer the question “What is the stuff I hate to do?” and “To what do I need to say no?”

The idea here is that when you know how to manage your own affairs, and you have your life organized, you can also organize so that someone else take over the items you don't want to waste your time on. For me, the things I least like to do are laundry, cleaning dishes, shopping, dealing with my accountant, and throwing stuff out. But worse are the things I don't mind - or even like - doing, but that add no value, like getting lost in technical matters only to find I've spent the whole day on low value items. To these, I must say no, or at least settle on the simplest solution, like using page-builders or systems rather than spending a lot of time learning to code web pages, which I'll never do at a professional level anyway.

It's a powerful exercise, and one I highly recommend you complete as soon as possible. For some of you, this will be easy, and the next steps will be obvious. For others, like me, this will require a shift in the way things are done. For me, it'll take something to break this down into winnable weekly and daily chunks. Harder will be saying no to the things that distract (like e-mail, facebook, and the next thing I just have to know about or try.)

And if you don't have a regular job or schedule with a built in accountablity system, and you want to win, you'll need an alternate structure. This could be a coach, or a regular check-in with someone else. You just need to look at your promises this week, and if they are not in alignment with what you said you want, adjust your course.

A Note on Faith

This is the Domain I had the most trouble with. Here's Dr. Ben's take:

This is not about any particular deity.
It's about your connection with the universe. It's about what gets you locked in and centered and believes there is something more to this world than just what's going on inside your own head.

What's going on inside of you that makes you believe that there's more to this world than what is going on just inside of your own head.
What is it about the world that is bigger than me?

or if you are familiar with Landmark, the question is what possibility for being would call you powerfully into action?

So I wish you a Happy 2016. If you'd like any help creating it, here's the button:

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Imagine this. You buy a car for $2000. You spend a little money and fix it up. You name it even. 'Ben,' it's a manly car. A year later, right after you replace the alternator for $300, it gets crushed by a semi.

Vinnie's towing service shows up. You casually say "But I loved Ben. That's its name." Vinnie says to you, "You know it was falling apart anyway. But for 25 grand, we can fix 'Ben' up for you. 2003 Ford Focus, good car. Sport package. Nice. That's a really pretty red."

You call your best friend, "Should I fix Ben?" There's a deafening silence on the other end of the line. "Really, it had such nice seats, leather, heated, and I drove it to California, and back."

And your friend answers, "And you had it in the shop six times, and it just failed inspection, and you could literally buy ten of them for $25,000."

"But Ben was the ZTS, in candy apple red, custom paint." We can all (I hope) see the insanity in this, until we change Ben from a car to a person.

I had a woman call me last week. Her Ben has a nice family. They liked to eat the same things. At one point in time, he felt really good. Now, it's been a little more than a year. Ben's become abusive. He ridicules her, says he can find another, suggests he'll always stay young because he is well-used, and even comments that he has violent tendencies. Their dates are dollar coffees, and weekends at his house. On one weekend, this woman was so afraid of physical abuse, she locked herself in a bedroom, and then escaped the house when her Ben went to take a shower. He won't kiss her. He lies. He makes fun of her. But now and then, he hints that he could marry her. If only she would share with him where she lives, then he could trust her.

Her excuse, "But I fell in love with him." Well I call bullshit on this. I am not saying he doesn't have a good side, but she doesn't love what this has turned into. She loves an image of a man that he has proven himself not to be. But since she's got a few grand in and some nice moments to reflect on, she somehow holds on to the idea that there might be something to salvage here. There might be, but at what cost.

At some point in time, a person's just got to get that putting any more into a dysfunctional relationship is just a really bad investment. Her experience right now is not one of being loved or celebrated. It's worry, and ridicule, and sometimes fear. I suggested to her that if we turned the timeline around, she wouldn't say she loved him. If she saw the ugly first, and then the nice, there would be no question. So it's time to take stock.

She was really taken in by a certain face he displayed. She calls this "fell in love." She's now discovered it's only part of the picture. The whole picture isn't that pretty. Seeing it for the first time today, she never would buy it. That being the case, the only healthy course is to step out, no matter what the good points may have been. And as she moves forward to set notice the signs that she overlooked here.

She can do this. We all can, but it takes a shift in how we look at things. "I fell in love" means nothing if there isn't love or respect present. And if there isn't, maybe it's best to say "I fell in love with something about him. I liked that. But it's not enough, and it isn't worth another minute of my life to try to turn this toad into a prince."

I wrote this as the lead in to a live event. You can use it now as a lead in to call me.

I'm excited about your job search. I know that when done right, you'll have the kind of work that makes you want to show up. You'll be making the difference you want to make in the world and you'll be happier. It's that simple.

So to get you started, here's an outline of how you will land your Dream Job. Following that is a short assignment. When you've done that, call me, and we'll get you on to the next step.

Read more »

I spoke to a mother last night. I'll call her M. She's been going through a rough patch with her only son, whom I'll call A. A is all of ten years old, but has gotten into some rather inappropriate sexual content and related behavior recently. A social worker got involved. M and A met with a therapist. A said he'd love to talk with the therapist every day.

Anyway, my experience with M is that she comes from a behaviorist model (think Carrot and Stick, or B. F. Skinner if you are a little more familiar) when trying to raise A. There are a lot of shoulds, a lot of conditions, and a lot of consequences. It all comes from a good place. A child should read, I agree, but it takes the joy out when reading is a pre-condition to playing on his Wii. The thing is M doesn't often pick up a book herself. So reading is probably seen by A as a chore that must be done before he can enjoy himself.

Let's put it in perspective. I was in honors English most of my high school career. There were a lot of books that we were supposed to read. Often, I didn't (Monarch and Cliff provided an alternative), and I certainly didn't see sinking into a couch with an assigned book as any sort of pleasure. Now, I read a lot. In fact, I've picked up a lot of the books that I was supposed to read since then, and actually like them. Many are brilliant. They evoke emotions now they didn't then. I have a bookshelf in my bathroom with all manner of books. They all give me something to think about and often a perspective I didn't have before. They might have done that in high school as well, but I don't recall that being my experience. And it might be that that experience primed me to be able to enjoy the books as I do today.

But I think it's more likely the hours I spent in my mother’s lap with books like "The Diggingest Dog" and "Das Auto Hier Heisst Ferdinand" and the model of the constant reading of my father, and later my wife, that rekindled in me the notion that reading could itself be the source of pleasure.

But I digress. I don't think a consequences world is a lot of fun. It's not like we don't have resort to them. Our whole criminal code is based on this model. But I don't think it's really what keeps people from committing crimes, or at least I hope not. What does is the good value system of most of the folks we share our society with. And a lot of us learn the message underneath the carrot and stick approach in spite of it, but This is the Hard Way. At least it's the harder way in the end. And unfortunately, some of us learn from the carrot and stick approach that power and fear are the basis of human relations. Devoid of a loving context, this is probably a good primer for sociopathic behavior.

I think in M and A's case, the love is present, but I think the approach gives a mixed message. I'm convinced that the main thing a child needs to experience is that his parent always has his back, but that's food for another discussion.

So, M saw pajamas she thought A would like. She bought them for him. He's been excited for days about them. M said it was nice, but this isn't what she expected. And I saw it from a different place. Here's a kid who is in a bit of a spot because of inappropriate behavior. His mother talks about it in his presence. Living a Carrot and Stick life, he might expect some negative consequence. That didn't happen. Instead, his mom bought him a gift just because.

It might even be that part of his behavior was a test. I think kids in this kind of place are often testing if their parents are really there for them.

The pajamas might have been an accident, but it sent exactly the right message at the right time. She passed the test without even knowing it. I suggested this to M. And I hope I can work with her some more to make sure this is the message A continues to get. M said things are different now, and for the better. The thing is that mindful parents can continue to send this message and have this experience with just a little bit of work.

And it might be a bit harder up front, but I think it makes the rest of raising a child a much easier experience.

And if you need some help creating this context with your child, reach out and we'll see what we can do to create your Pajamas moment, or a life full of them.

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