David Herz, Coach

Another Quora Question: Where can I meet a classy woman who dresses and acts sophisticated? Someone who'd want a family and who is confident in herself.

You're asking the wrong question. Try this:

How can I be the type of person that a classy, sophisticated, confident women would be interested in?

Then take a step every day to improve yourself to be that.

Learn great table manners, all manners for that matter. Learn to dress well, Learn to dance. Learn to be gentle and kind. Learn how to be the type of person who always leaves a profit, who never complains, who sees the world as an opportunity.

If you be that, they'll show up.

My answer originally stopped there, but I got some push back from Motez Assi:

Ok David, I feel comfortable in saying I do all of those things. I disagree with you, they don't just show up. You gotta go into the world to meet people they don't show up at your door practical suggestions over life advice would be great.

Fair enough and I am realizing oh so true. We have stopped raising these women. So they become harder and harder to find. You might want to start with the wives of all your admired friends. Tell them what you want-obviously being a match for that-and ask them who they know. Go to your place of religious worship, become involved in your communities, and make a practice of asking every single woman within ten years of your age (as long as she is of legal age) out for a coffee. Get insanely curious.

Be clear about what you want. It might very clearly not be the person you asked out to coffee. Don't be bashful about that. You can have another friend helping you out in your quest to find the right person.

Also lay out in detail a vision for the life you want, house, kids religion, money, pets, time with your family, time with hers, bank account balances, retirement funds, neighborhood. Share that vision. Maybe someone will be taken by it. Maybe someone will negotiate that with you or negotiate some middle line between hers and yours.

Let people know what your mission is, and invite them to be your partners. Give the one who puts you together naming rights for your first child.

How do you define a healthy relationship, and what are some key indicators of one?

I actually got on this morning to address this, even before I saw the question. My answer expands well beyond the question. It's more about what you need to bring to have a great relationship than a definition of one.

As I look back over it now it appears as exhausting, and sometimes it will take everything of you. On the other hand, it will also give back more than you imagine, more than you ever thought was possible.

The point is that it is not about not being alone, though that might be a by-product. It is about aligning yourself toward a future, of partnership, hard work, and deep satisfaction. You might sometimes find yourself more alone than you imagined. On the other side, you might feel more integrated, involved, alive, part of something important (a partner in the creation of the universe), than you ever have as well.

And you are up to it. If you set out on this path, the world will align for it to be the right one for you.

Both partners are committed to the greatness of the other.

Both are willing to:

• listen,
• communicate,
• support each other's dreams,
• provide a shoulder to cry on,
• step back and let the other shine,
• romance, protect and defend,
• let the other grow, even if he or she might grow in a way that puts stress on or even leads to the end of the relationship,

Neither requires the other to change, but both are willing to mold themselves (i.e. change) to help their partner be the best version of himself, to grow the relationship, to get along with each other's families and social networks.

Both are sensitive to the needs of the other.

Both are willing to share their needs and negotiate to make sure that needs are met.

Neither causes the other to feel small, insecure, unworthy.

Neither pushes the other away from the important people in the other's life.

Now that's nice for friends, but if you have a view to marriage, I'd suggest you align on these as well:

• Attitude toward money
• Religion: it's not important, until it is, which is as soon as you have kids and start to negotiate holidays, a shared one is ideal, anything else is work, and if you are both committed in different ways, this should be a deal-breaker.
• Kids, how many more or less, how soon, how frequent
• Living arrangements: City, burbs, near families or not (in one of your parent's spaces, fiercely independent, or some space between), willing to follow work, like that
• Work arrangements: do you expect both to work, does your partner see it like that.
• Family: Getting along with them is important. Family can kill relationships, or add a lot of stress.

Potential non-negotiables.

• Pets: If you can't live without them, make sure he's okay with that.
• Diet: If you are Vegan and he won't give up his barbecue, make sure you are okay with that long-term.

If you want a relationship, don't expect the other person to change for you. At the same time, you might want to conform your behavior to accommodate her. Maybe you were a slob as a bachelor, and it doesn't work for her now. Fix that. It's a small price to pay.

On the other hand, don't expect a quid pro quo.

If you want a relationship to work, you must get used to noticing the good, and maybe stepping over the temporarily inconvenient. If she spent her day making herself look beautiful (at expense you can't afford, no less), but didn't get dinner on the table (a major hassle for you), the better attitude might be “I didn't know it was date night. Let me get a quick shower. Where are we headed for dinner?”

Not that you shouldn't address the budget and expenses, but maybe set that for Sunday morning after breakfast. Remember, you aligned on that at the outset, or at least made a commitment to negotiate these things, but this might not be the moment.

In sum, I guess a healthy relationship is a function of the commitments you are willing to make to be great with and for each other.

Indicators of One:

Personally

you actually want to spend more time with this person. You are making up ways to make her smile and laugh and play with you. You know what's important to her, and do what you can to have her have that.

You feel you have a partner who wants the best for you, knows what you need, and creates space for that.

In Others

you see two people dancing through life. There is ease and play, people finishing each other's sentences, coordinating their clothes so they look great together. You see laughter, and support, maybe people who don't care how dorky they look because they look fine for each other.

You see people who find a kind word for each other, even when they are in pain, even when they don't want to, especially if they are already a little annoyed with each other.

How do I stop overthinking in a relationship and maintain a long-lasting relationship?

You get busy with your major transformative purpose in life (it just makes you a better more interesting person), and then when you think about your relationship, you ask yourself “what could I do today to put a smile on his face.” Then you give up your expectations and accept whatever comes your way as a gift.

If, having done that, you find yourself at play with your partner, communicating what's so, happy to be coming home to this person, and he feels the same, you have decent grounds for a long-lasting relationship.

You also want to make sure you are aligned as to your visions of the future. Ask, have conversations about kids and religion and money. Make sure you know your deal-breakers, and his, and that you are both okay with living inside each other's visions.

Life happens for you, not to you. That quote sits here on my screen. It is from Jim Rohn. It is a good reminder. The three second distillation, because sometimes it is that simple.

I am incredibly sad these days. It is much worse to be sad for another than it is for oneself, and maybe it is in part for myself. Maybe it is all about me.

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Help Needed! Having some tough times lately, promotions not selling…almost broke…
What is the best book/​audiobook you know on handling our own emotions/​fear of not being good enough/​fear of screwing up?

I don't know that the best thing to handle your emotions is to hole up with another book. If you've read any book on the subject, the answer is usually something like a few simple disciplines, repeated over time will give you unparalleled success in your particular pond.

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