David Herz, Coach

A good friend, a Ms. Cathy Roussel, shared this quote for Sharleen's Birthday Book I loved it so much I've printed it in A3 and it's the one thing on my wall in the office. I'm taking on the parts in bold.

“So, in a context of making the world work for everyone, and having that as the opportunity to create that as the context for our lives, we find we then have the power to create as the principle of our living that who we are makes a difference. That it really counts who we are.
“You see, I am quite clear that I'm never going to be the same. It's not going to be day by day, tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace. Yes, it's true, that like you, I'm going to go back to the circumstances I left. But I'll never be the same because my life will be lived in a context of my own creation . . . the only way one can have a context. My life will never be the same, because I'll have the power to shape and form my own life because I'll have the power to create the basic principles of my life. I will not go out to find out if I make a difference. I will live my life out of the principle I make a difference! And for that, I will never be the same.

“You and I…listen to this…you and I can choose to make humanity…you and I can choose to make the success of all humanity our personal business. You and I can choose to make our daily business, what we wake up for, what we go to work for, what we come home for, what we go out for, what we do the things we do in life for…you and I can choose to make as our personal business the success of all humanity. You talk about being alive. You talk about getting up with a sense of purpose. You talk about having dignity. You and I have a great, an incredible opportunity. We have the opportunity to make the success of all humanity our personal business. We can choose to be audacious enough to be responsible for the whole human family. At that level of audacity, you are truly alive. You are out there, you have swung out, you've stepped out, you have put yourself out, and you got it on the line.
“We can choose to make our love for each other what our lives are really about.”

Werner Erhard, A World That Works For Everyone, 1980

And if you're in a place where you're looking to choose what your life is really about, or you'd like to share in what I've chosen, and you just need a little push to get you on the right path, I am here to help:

Schedule My Conversation Now

I answer a lot of questions on Quora about relationships. I've answered more than a few on how do you know you are in love. So here I share how love looks for me:

Sharleen: “Are you Jewish?”
Me: “That depends. How Jewish are You?”
Sharleen: “Well, both of my parents are Jewish.”
Me: “I guess I'm not Jewish enough for You then.”

I suppose we knew in an instant where this might lead. While we've come a long way since then, some things don't change. I still want to call you a hundred times a day. You are still my best friend and the person I most want and love to play with.

You generate Love and Care and Beauty without thinking about it. It is who you are. You are the instant mother to a whole troupe of Lone Soldiers. You are the daughter who shifts everything in your life so you can go to a doctor's appointment with your mother in Jerusalem. You are the Mom who becomes an English teacher because heck, the school needs one. You are the Awesome Mom who has gotten up a thousand times to cook in the morning so that your kids have a solid breakfast and a proper lunch. You can't help but welcome Shabbat with meals fit for royalty.

You don't do anything in half measures. If you're going to make a hat, well cashmere it is. If you want to give someone jewelry, you make it yourself. You give people their smile back, giving them back a piece of themselves. You've heard of pre-made food, but that's not your style. It bothers you if it's not your own Challah on the table. Your food is the best, your kiddushes above and over and for everyone you can think to invite. Your house is the warmest.

You believe in people. We say that the only thing a child needs is to know his parent has his back. Our kids know that, without reserve. You have read all seven Harry Potter books to your children three times, in addition to many, many other books. You show up whenever your children have an event or a need, a new belt in Judo, a project day, another parent for the trip. You show your children how to be children, sometimes to their chagrin. You dance harder. You've been the fourth for four-square. You've played enough games of Monopoly to last you a lifetime, and yet you're still up for a game when your children call.

You've produced more Landmark programs than we can remember. You have touched literally thousands of lives. You have given people new leases on life, new relationships, a new space to be with that which is important in their lives. You have generated, again, and again, and again, your relationship with your mother, with your sister, and with the people you work and live with. You listen for what's important, and you bring that. You're a Giant, and you never think it's enough.

It's said that what distinguishes a Navy Seal is that when he has given all he has, and can't move another muscle, if a buddy is in need, he finds what he needs to keep going. You'd have made a damned fine Navy Seal.

And You continue to bring your Goofy Smile. That was our first moment, and I forget it sometimes. I don't always give you the space to smile like that, but it's that smile, and your faith in me, especially when I so often lack the faith in myself, that has made our life together possible.

Thank You for staying around so that I can Choose You, over and over again, so that I can look at my wife and partner, who seems to get sexier every time I look at her, and have something to wake up for every morning.

You're amazing. At some level you get that. My blessing for you is that you should be present to that every day of your life. You should get the gift you are to the world, and have the freedom to always let that shine.

“I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

Thank You for being the person who is constantly willing to generate the rest of your life with me. It's an honor and a privilege to hold that space.

or “Why I am a Landmark Junkie”

Landmark Worldwide is a company committed to reliably delivering that which makes a real difference in people's lives. It accomplishes this through its transformational courses, the foundation of which is the Landmark Forum.

Landmark has been a big part of my life, and especially of the things that work in my life for more than 21 years. Most anyone who spends more than a token amount of time with me will hear me talk about the Landmark Forum. So I thought I'd explain a little bit about why. Now I can point you here instead of trying to come up with it over and over again.

The main reason: I'm with the same woman, Sharleen, twenty years on, and Landmark has given us the ability to play with each other, to laugh with—and at—each other, to not take ourselves too seriously, and to see how damned big we are in the world.

We have four amazing kids, and who we are with and for them comes from what we have learned at Landmark. From Landmark, we have taken on practices of acknowledging our children, and learned to listen for what is truly important.

I get to be with myself. Twenty one years in, and I am still noticing where the little voice in my head (others might call them internal dialogues or hidden scripts) are keeping me from creating the world I want. And when I notice them, I can deny them their power.

For instance, less than two weeks ago, I noticed I've got one about how “I've got to do it alone. ” Noticing it let me give it up. For the first time, I created a team around a goal in my life I've been pursuing for 20 years. Also out of that, I met with someone about forming a pretty neat partnership. These would not have happened without this work.

For the new year, I created the possibility of being Active, Present, and Alive. By the end of January, I'd been to Germany and visited with my cancer-stricken Aunt and Uncle (he's now dead), five first cousins, and five more of their family, most of whom I hadn't seen this millennium.

I get to forgive myself. This one is the hardest for me. I often feel that—except for my family—my past is a sea of mistakes, lost chances and missed opportunities.

From Landmark, I see that my playing the victim of this past robs me of my future. It's a place I easily go, but I have the tools, and the partners, to notice this sick game. When I do that, I can actually create bold new futures.

I can lean into my fear. The first thing that I notice when I create a new future is the gap between where I am and that which I am inventing. The next thing I want to do is throw my hands up and walk away.

But I get that's only the little voice in my head, the child who was embarrassed, who failed, who wasn't enough, trying to keep me safe.

And I notice I am 47 and I don't need the conversations of my naive and scared younger to run my life today. I can say “I am scared, ” and act anyway.

In short, I can give myself Permission to Be the great person that I always suspected was inside there somewhere, but was too afraid to let out. He's actually far more powerful than I ever imagined.

So I share because I think a world of empowered, present people, people who are up to big things, people who lean into their fear, people who are willing to create the world they want to see, to borrow a phrase “to be the change they'd like to see in the world ” (M. Ghandi), would be a great world to live in.

I share because I know anyone who wants to be this has it available to him.

It's worth it. That's all. If you see yourself in this, and can find a way to afford it, it's a gift you really should give yourself.

All My Best,

Photo by: Ihor Malytskyi

This is an excerpt from my guide, Manning Up: The Guide to Get You Back in the Relationship Game.

First, you will not forget your ex, but until you complete your relationship with her, it is likely to haunt you. (I wrote this originally for guys; if you're not a guy, just switch the pronouns: it should work just as well.)

So here's what I suggest:

1. Thank Her: Sit down and write a letter to her thanking her for every little thing she did with and for you. Acknowledge her for how she made you feel, and for who she was for you.
2. Forgive Her: Make a list for yourself of every way you think you have been slighted by her. Consider that any and all of these things might have come from a place that had nothing to do with you. Maybe she slept with someone else because of her own insecurity, not something that had anything to do with you. Write down at least one reason for each of those things that would make it not about you.
3. Forgive Yourself: You are human. You make mistakes. You screw things up. You might have just killed the best thing you ever had, and just now come to realize it. But as long as you hang on to this, you will not have any chance to see the next great thing, the one that could be ten times better than the best you've ever had. As long as you entertain any conversation that you are a screw up, you will not give yourself permission to be fully in the next relationship. That's a shame, because you deserve a great relationship. So write down every way you were a dick (excuse my language), maybe note where that came from, forgive yourself, and make a commitment not to do that again.
4. Acknowledge Yourself Give yourself credit for everything you were and brought to the relationship. You are great. Notice all the things you did to build the relationship you had. And thank yourself for that. And note that even if your ex didn't get it or appreciate it, you made a difference. And get that that passion was not wasted. Maybe misdirected, but not wasted. Don't let that go. It's part of what makes you the amazing person you are.
5. Learn from Her: Take on that maybe you did have something to do with every thing that happened. I know this sounds the opposite of a previous point; it's not. It's not that anything was wrong or your fault; it's that if you take on that you are cause in the matter, you actually can choose to come from somewhere else. Maybe try “She slept with someone else because she wasn't feeling loved by me. Where could I bring love into the next relationship so that doesn't happen again?”
6. Get that the Next one is NOT YOUR EX: We are human. We look for patterns. We get burned. We say “Aha, I'm not going to let that happen again.” The problem is we start looking for “that.” When we look, we find it. This will kill your love life. I'm not saying be stupid. But don't be suspicious for no reason. That would just be letting some past bad experience haunt you now. Don't let it.
7. Get that the next one is Different: Even if she's your ex's identical twin, she reacts and thinks and loves and hurts diffently. You can not expect to know anything about her because you know anything about humanity, or women, or even her school or family. Let her suprise you.

As a bonus opportunity, you could actually call your ex and ask her if there is any advice she has for you. Thank her for all the stuff in number 1 above. Ask forgiveness, especially if you think it was all her fault. Ask her please to share with you everything that plugged her in or turned her off. There's probably a ton of stuff you just didn't notice.

Only do this if you can avoid reacting or getting angry. You want to learn here so you can be better in the future. Then finally ask her, “What's the one piece of advice, that if I got it, you think would make the biggest difference for me in my next relationship?” and listen like your love life depends on it.

Then thank her and move along. This should be enough to get you complete. If it's not, you've probably got other conversations about relationships not distinguished. If that's the case, then write down everything you say, or even hear, about relationships. Then look at each item and ask yourself if it's true. You'll notice that there are a lot of conversations in the background that could be getting in the way. But the neat thing is, the minute you notice them, you can let them be, and not let them have power over you. You can choose to come from some place else instead.

And once you've got that behind you, come follow me on Facebook, where I share a regular word of encouragement, sprinkled with some questions for a better date.

My parents hate me but I don't know why?

They probably don't hate you, though it's not something you can rule out altogether.

It may have nothing to do with you. It may just be the fact that you exist and they blame you for their lives taking a different trajectory since you were born. This is bullshit, but it's how some people think and feel.

The best thing to do is ask them. Mom, Dad, I feel like you hate me and I don't know why. Do you? Why?

It might just be that they are disappointed with some of your choices. They might be afraid for you and trying to protect you. They might hate you.

If they do hate you, do what you can to move out.

If they don't, listen to them carefully. Try to take everything they say from the standpoint of “They love me, and they are acting this way because of that. Let's look at why.”

For instance, some people think rewards and punishments are necessary to direct a child's actions to be a good person. You might see them as arbitrarily taking things away from you or making your life difficult. If you open up a conversation, and commit to an open dialogue and understanding the why, you might come to see things a different way.

Please open up the conversation. It seems crazy scary (What if they do say they hate you just because you were born?), but what's the worst that can happen (They say they hate you because you were born.) At least you'll know where you stand.

And then you can ask, “Okay, here we are, I'm born, what can we do to really make each other's lives great together?” Inside of an inquiry like that, you can create some miracles.

Try it. I think you'll be surprised by what shows up.