David Herz, Coach

"How do I figure out if someone is a real friend or just pretends to be?"

Sometimes you can’t, and sometimes it doesn’t matter. Sometimes all you need is a friend for a day or a season, or just a kind word at the right place and time.

A better question to ask is “How can I be a real friend?” If you focus on that you'll find that real friends start to show up.

First, I apologize for not getting into your in-boxes last week.

Second, I wish everyone the Happiest of Holidays and an Amazing New Year.

Now, the thing about having an Amazing New Year is that you've got to create it. If you keep doing what you've already been doing, there's a pretty good chance you'll keep having the same result. And if you are here spending some time with me, I'm guessing that's not what you want.

So I'd like you to take a little time to orient yourself for the year ahead. Start by downloading my Manning Up: The Guide Back. On page 15, you'll find an exercise I borrowed from Tucker Max's book Mate: Become the Man Women Want.

Do that exercise. It's about getting clear on what you want. When you've done that, I'll ask you to invest another four and a quarter minutes listening to this podcast: Brett McKay interviews Lewis Howse of the School of Greatness. Start at six minutes in. Mr. Howse gives you a suggestion for creating your vision. You want to be clear on that. I'll add that you should indicate why you want that.

I help guys who want to get married. Is that what you really want? Make sure it's not just what you think is right because of what your friends or family say. Figure out what it is in marriage or a long term relationship that turns you on and that would be worth investing your time to make it happen.

In my case, I'm tickled to have a built in best friend and playmate, someone I can love and let love me. That's a pretty big deal. But it's also a whole bunch of small things. It's knowing I'm not coming to an empty house at the end of the day. It's having someone I can share my wins and losses with. It's having someone I can cook for and be generous with. Sometimes it's just not being alone.

So now it's your turn. Let's get clear. And if you want to share, and get some feedback, I invite you over to the facebook page.

In the meantime, have a great New Year's celebration. But please, set yourself up so that it's followed by an even greater year.

All My Best,

David

How about coming over and doing the chores they hate to do but love to have done: clean the gutters, sweep out and organize the garage, winterize the mower, clean the windows, do the cooking.

Maybe just listen to them. Get really interested in their lives and experiences. Ask them to tell you about their first love, their first car, their first memory of their parents/grandparents.

People won’t remember what you got them as much as they remember how you made them feel. Just keep asking yourself what can I do to make my mom/dad feel special now? How can I show my love? How can I show my respect? How can I help?

You’ll have the best holiday ever.

How can a man know he is putting his time into the right woman, the woman who will not leave him?

You can't. She might get hit by a bus tomorrow, or die of cancer in three years, or just walk out because she is bored of you. Life is uncertain.

But here's the thing. If you start looking for signs she might walk out, you'll find them. Our mind is funny that way. It tries to find answers to the questions we ask. So we need to be really careful with the questions we ask. If you ask instead, “How can I love her so she will stay with me forever?” I promise you will have a lot more fun. And even someone who seemed a complete flake at the beginning might turn into the person who wouldn't leave you for anything.

And if you are ready to be that person, you can start this Wednesday at 7:00 eastern time.

Start Being the Man Women Want

I graduated high school as the valedictorian and I performed very well in the sports I played. Of course I would want him to have my interests, but I do not expect him to. I do want him to be mentally capable and I for sure want to know how to help his development to surpass me as soon as possible.

It's tricky. You were obviously motivated. What you might be asking yourself is whether that motivation actually lead you to do the great things in life you once dreamed of, or whether it caused you to follow some other path or dream.

I'd say the best thing you can do is to make sure you share your curiosity with your child, or if that seems to have faded, share his curiosity with him. When he wants to rip something apart to figure how it works, be there with him. When an appliance breaks, take it to pieces with him. Always wonder, always talk to him like he can understand everything, because at some level he can. Amazingly, there are concepts of calculus/statistics/geometry we can understand without knowing our times tables.

Just get interested. And if money or access is an issue, that's great, because then you have to become creative. One of my sons is into archery and knife throwing. We got on youtube and found some ideas for targets and made our own, one out of corrugated cardboard boxes, the other out of scrap lumber.

Another asked about twins, and I pulled out my old Animal Reproduction textbook (my B.S. is in Animal Science) and we got to look at fertilization, implantation, etc.

Now that my kids are almost all teenagers, the one thing I wish I'd spent more time on is getting them to develop mastery in something. It's what caused me to look at Sal Kahn's Ted video above. There are kids who are at the top of their game by the time they are 16. Just look at the Olympics. And how many world class musicians started as kids? They liked something, they practiced. They got that getting good was fun, and made them better people.

On the one hand, pushing doesn't help. On the other, giving the space so they can take what they like and really play full out is amazing. Sometimes it's hard not to push though. You see something your kid is good at, you'll say “Wow. This is it.” All of a sudden you've pushed a bit too hard, and he won't touch it again, ever.

Oh and read Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting.

And trust yourself. Just by asking this question, you have ensured that he will be, because you are interested enough and committed enough to make sure it will happen.